Virginia Seeks Statehood

Funny story written by Sam Miller

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

RICHMOND,VA- An ongoing production of political theater continues to rage over an addendum to change Virginia's federal status from a Commonwealth to a State. This has sprung Virginia's Legislature into the most heated series of debates since the secessions conferences of 1861.

The biggest advocate for the change is Delegate Terry G. Kilgore (R-1st), who's made his reasoning very vocal. "How can we have state's rights if we ain't even a state!?" proclaimed Kilgore earlier this month during a town hall meeting at the Grundy Township's Knights of Columbus Moose Lodge. Kilgore has faced much opposition, even from within his own party. Delegate Joe May (R-33rd) vietmienntly opposes any title intervention claiming "the amount of time and tax payer money it would take to paint over everything we have that says "Commonwealth" is fiscally irresponsible and at it's core a job killer." Rep May's stance on the issue has been publicly endorsed by Philip Morris USA and Kings Dominion. Meanwhile, across the isle Representative Kaye Kory (D-38th) calls the measure "like most things,fundamentally discriminatory toward minorities and the LGBT community."

The "state of a common title" as it is now being called has also sparked a firestorm of grassroots campaigns. Student's from Richmond's Virginia Commonwealth University as well as historically black college Virginia State University have banded together to form "Student's for Autonomy." Norfolk's Gregory Simon,22, president of S.F.A. claims the campaign's purpose is to "end the confusion caused by the universities' conflicting names and combine the institutions into a super school", which is tentatively being referred to as Virginia University. Another grassroots organization, The Young Educated Libertarians, have petitioned for the title "The Independent Freeland of Virginia" to be considered as a possible name. Although Y.E.L.'s proposal has garnered public support form NORML ,Planned Parenthood and the Association of College White Dudes it's still not being taking seriously as a viable option. Other Public critiques come from groups like The Anti-Alliteration Council, who believe that "said change would cause the Governor's annul public address to be renamed The State of the State, and that is unacceptable." While The Committee for Snarky Liberals have taken the hardline stance that "continuing to call Virginia a "Commonwealth" is ridiculous because it is undeniably clear that wealth is no longer common unless you're a member of the richest 1% of VA residents." The Fraternal Order of State Police have remained virtually silent on this issue with many political insiders believing "they would remain unaffected by any change whatsoever." However, not all branches of law enforcement are remaining neutral. The majority of the Commonwealth Attorneys offices are strongly advocating for a reclassification in order to "make their job sound like a real thing." This hotly contested battle is leaving many at a loss for words. One of these baffled spectators is Delegate Lynwood Lewis of Virginia's Eastern Shore, who when asked to comment on the issue simply stated "wait, aren't we part of Maryland?"

With discourse only becoming more present in the national media, lawmakers in The Commonwealths of Kentucky and Massachusetts have grown increasingly more nervous that Virginia's political strive could soon arrive at their own state capitols. The outcome of this war is uncertain, but what seems to be very apparent is that Virginia is no longer for lovers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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