BILLINGSGATE POST: There are 10 million stories in the Naked City. In Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, because of the population, there are only 409. But this one has been verified to be true by Snopes.
Elderwood Schlemiel, a down-and-out itinerant soothsayer, was bicycling from coast to coast, doing odd jobs to finance his meandering ways.
Hungry and with no place to sleep, he knocked on the door of Joe Kocolochek, one of the local farmers.
“Sir, If you could put me up in your barn and share some food with me, I will help you with your animals.”
“That’s not necessary. You can sleep in the house and eat dinner with me. I have plenty of food.”
“You are very generous, Mr. Kocolochek. But I insist on helping you with your animals.”
So Schlemiel went out to the barn and checked out the animals.
“Your horse complained that the new bit you put into his mouth a few days ago makes his mouth sore.”
“He’s right. I did put a new bit in his mouth. I will change it tomorrow.”
“Your cows said that since you changed the milk machine to 34 pulsations a minute, their udders have become very sensitive.”
“By God, they’re right. I changed it from 28 to 34 just last week.”
“Don’t believe a f*cking word they say. They’re all lying bastards.”
Slim: “If you can’t believe a sheep, who can you believe?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Love those lamb chops, though.”