Chain-Smoking, Drug-Using, Alcoholic Dies In Gruesome And Hideous Fashion After Briefly Taking In Fresh Air And Consuming A Few Vegetables

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Wednesday, 25 December 2019

image for Chain-Smoking, Drug-Using, Alcoholic Dies In Gruesome And Hideous Fashion After Briefly Taking In Fresh Air And Consuming A Few Vegetables
"According to my diagnosis, you should get some help! Now excuse me! I need to take some cocaine before drinking heavily!"

Madison, Wisconsin. Despite the fact that friends and family sincerely tried to warn him not to do anything stupid or extremely impulsive (such as make a drastic and sudden decision to change his toxic lifestyle or his ultimately self-destructive behavior patterns) Bill Johnston, 47, attempted to venture into the world of 'healthy living' last Wednesday only to die in a rather gruesome, hideous, and disgusting fashion.

Unwilling to listen to desperate pleas from his wife Jill, 45, his son Brad,17, and his daughter Stephanie,15, that he continue using cocaine and heroin while drinking 20-25 beers every single night as well as endlessly chain-smoke non-filtered Pall Malls throughout the day, Mr. Johnston made a commitment that he was going to 'give it all up' and become a better man.

Stubborn, moody, and unresponsive during numerous interventions that had been staged by highly-concerned patients and local community members during the first two weeks of December, the Clinical Social Worker remained determined to properly resolve his mid-life crisis with exercise, fresh air, and vegetables rather than drugs, alcohol, and tobacco.

Although everyone in his life said they sincerely 'loved him' and that they feared he was about to 'go down the wrong path,' Bill put out his last cigarette, told his drug dealers that he was no longer "in"...and then threw his empty beer bottles into a recycling bin on the night of Tuesday, December 17th before waking up the next morning at 6:30 am in order to take a 5-minute jog.

After coming back exhausted and out of breath, Mr. Johnston tried to consume a broccoli salad with almonds, carrots, and organic dressing only to experience a violent reaction with the iron, potassium, magnesium, zinc, phosphorus, and vitamin C that his body had been largely deprived of for the last 22 years.

Unable to handle the highly-potent antioxidants that were streaming into him while the nicotine, alcohol, and methamphetamines were still leaving his system, Bill went through a horrible physiological change that caused him to shake uncontrollably for several minutes right before liquid feces began spraying out of his anus and splattering all over the refrigerator behind him.

His head also exploded due to the fact that he had 30 milligrams of calcium passing through his digestive system from a cup of spinach that he had carelessly eaten in a desperate attempt to reverse the cognitive damage he had done to himself from two decades of overindulgence.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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