am an alcoholic.
My name is Marc, and I am an alcoholic and rape victim. I grew up in Alabama , was raised Baptist, with all the baptisms and Sunday meetings and hallelujahs you could ask for. My mamma was as strict a woman as you could expect, my father having run off long ago. She found her strength in Jesus, and so did I. Church 3 to 4 times a week. Bible study daily. I find peace in my love of Jesus and nothing can ever take his love from me. My faith strengthens me daily as I serve God ministering to those in need afflicted by alcoholism. Being over 6 foot 2 I’m an imposing figure when I preach. I am also gay.
Growing up I knew I had to get out of town quick. Girls kept hitting on me and I just ran out of excuses to turn them down. No one ever just came out and said it but there were rumors. Wrestling was my sport and I did good. Some other schools boys didn’t want to go against me due to the rumors so I won more matches than I fought. My size kept me from getting picked on. I applied for a wrestling scholarship with several schools but I got turned down. No national titles or appearances. Somehow I got accepted to Ohio State thru an affirmative action program and some local church contributions. They said I could try out for the wrestling team if I wanted when I got there as the schedule started in November.
I tried out for the team as soon as I got there and did well enough to get a second chance tryout later that week. Coach Jordan had watched me and said I had promise and looked real good. tryout and gave me a lot of help. He said if I wanted to come back later that night I could get some more help. I could not say no since he makes the decisions on me making the team. I came back that night and all the lights were pretty much off. Coach Jordan was already on the mats stretching out. I asked about the lights being down and he said it was to help me not use my eyes but my internal senses. After a few warm up throws and pins he gets real aggressive and chicken wings me. Pins my arms behind my back and wont let me up for a long time. He pins me again and I can hardly breathe. I’m begging him to let me up but he keeps laughing at me and smiling right up in my face. And his hands start grabbing my crotch. I freak out and tell him to stop but he won’t. He keeps bouncing up and down on me and laughing like he is kinda crazy and I can’t breathe hardly at all. He pulls down my suit to my knees and and starts slapping my ass. He ties my suit around my legs till it hurt. He starts rubbing himself all up and down my back while he takes off his suit and jock strap. He grabbed some oil from his gym bag and while I am tied up on my stomach he raped me and choked me until I passed out. He spilled water on me and slapped me and when I woke up he started raping me again. He choked me again until I passed out.
He told me after the third time that if I came back tomorrow night I would have a spot on the team and when we traveled he would make sure I got my own room and help with my grades and whatever else I wanted. He would even look into getting me a scholarship on the team as I had real potential. I was going to be a winner with his help. And next time he will be more gentle as today was just breaking me in. He asked if I needed a shower and his help cleaning up. I got dressed and ran out the doors and just ran and ran until I dropped and puked. I ran back to the dorm and changed clothes and showered over and over. My mamma never let us touch drink at all except for communion and even that she had her opinion we should just use grape juice instead of real wine. I went to a liquor store looking for some cheap sweet wine that would be like communion. It would be ok to pretend I was doing communion and pray to God for guidance and understanding why he let me get so hurt. I went to a liquor store that didn’t check ID and asked if they carried Ripple like they did on Sanford And Son. He handed me my favorite new drink called Mogen David 20/20 or Mad Dog. Sweet smooth and a pint only cost a couple of dollars.
I stopped going to class and drank and drank. After I ran into Coach Jordan at a football game and he tried to grab my penis that I quit school and left and headed south to forget about what he did to me. I can’t understand why he raped me unless it was his small size and I felt guilty because I did get hard and came. I knew I was gay but I had never been with anyone and the feeling of someone else making me orgasm was incredible. His mouth and tongue were what I knew I needed. Coach Jordan raping me made me stop fighting my sexuality and embrace myself fully for the first time. Jesus taught me forgiveness and beach party lifestyle made me forget. I was a favorite toy to many rich men but my drinking made turn to prostitution after I got thrown out again for being a dramatic drunk queen bitch. They were just being assholes to me and mean and so what if I was HIV positive, I didn’t have AIDS and I take my meds when I can afford them.
I hit rock bottom about 8 years later when I got beaten up turning tricks on the boulevard. I spent three weeks in the hospital and six months in county for prostitution and possession of a controlled substance. It was the three years probation I hated with weekly drug tests that I had to pay for or go back to jail for the rest of the three years. I had to do what is called 90 in 90 where I was forced to go to at least one AA or NA meeting daily and if I wasn’t working I had to go to both. I had to move into a group home where I had 3 roommates in our room and the house had 16 people. For the first month I couldn’t leave the house without two others and only to go to the store and back. Or meetings with my parole officer with random drug and alcohol tests and I am getting sick of meetings. If I heard anyone say “Hi, my name is Marc, and I’m an alcoholic. Hi Marc.” I swear I would have killed them. I walked out of the house alone, and was heading to the store to get me a drink, and then another and another until the pain went away. I knew I was going back to prison and it would be easier back in prison so I’m going to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least I got laid in prison. I guess Jesus had other plans. I walk out of the liquor store with a pint of rum and a six pack can of cola. As I leave the store I run into Paul our house manager. I’m busted and now I can’t even enjoy the rum. He took the rum and threw it away and told me to get in his car. He drove me to a church and said to go in and talk to the minister. He didn’t make any threats or anything and he said to call him no matter how late it got when I wanted to come back home. Home.
I cant really remember what happened except that I was crying and being held by the most gentle man I ever met. He let me talk and rant and cry and he cleared away a part of my soul I had lost. It’s hard to explain how much pain fell away and the love I remember having came flooding back. I no longer held any hatred for Coach Jordan and as the Bible says we need to forgive our trespassers. Pastor Jim became my teacher and let me work for him on things around the yard and help out with setup of the tables for meetings and such. I have completed my 90 in 90 and the urge to drink has been replaced with Jesus’s love. Pastor Jim lets me start leading some of the prayer meetings and wants me to start a separate meeting for victims of sexual abuse who are also drug or alcohol addicts. At our first meeting we had 5 people show up and at our 5th meeting we had about a hundred people show up. One meeting became 2 then 4 since women wanted their own meeting and gay men wanted their own and that’s where I met John. He saw one of our fliers and showed up for our gay meeting by mistake. He wanted to come to a straight meeting and it took three speakers for him to realize everyone in the room was gay. It was his turn to share and he looked so scared it broke my heart and I knew I was in love. But AA has rules and one of them is no relationships until you get your 1 year chip. I was coming up on three years clean and sober so I was ok but John only had 5 months in the program. I couldn’t explain it but I knew I just met my future husband.
And his story rips my heart out. He shares his rape in college and how it turned him into an alcoholic instead of a lawyer. He has never had sex with anyone since his rape and he is so lost and confused about how he wants to come out and how scary it is to admit he is gay. He has so many tears and everyone is crying. He skips the next two meetings and it hurts me a lot and I feel betrayed and confused and I know I am in love with him and I may never see him again. So I pray and pray and God makes me wait another month. When I see him walk back in I am ready to die. He shares his story again and now says it was his sports coach that raped him but he doesn’t share the sport and he does not look like he was into wrestling. Seven months of agony finally are gone and I am standing next to him when he gets his 1 year chip. And he has changed a lot in looks and attitude. And his smile melts my heart.
I also think John was raped by Coach Jordan. I know he is a football fan and I see how he reacts to the scores when Ohio State wins and loses but he wont watch any of the games. But he won’t open up to me and I can’t push or I push him away. I finally decide to open up to John and share my story with the group. It has been over 20 years and everyone knew Doc Strauss was a pervert and no one said anything and it was an open secret so if Coach Jordan raped anyone else he got away with it like he did with me and John. I share how a wrestling coach used his position to lure me in to the gym and rape me. I talk about that grin he has that just makes me want to puke. I can see the look on John’s face change to one of horror as he realizes the secret we share, that our rapist is the same Coach Jordan. He fell apart like I did so many years ago crying so hard.
We have been together for 10 years and married for 7. We adopted a baby girl last year and will adopt a boy next year. With our work thru the church and AA we were both able to get our records expunged so both of our records are as clean as we are. My HIV is still a problem but I am on my meds and still no AIDS. God has been good to us. None of us can ever forgive Coach Jordan for what he did to us when he raped us but however he brought us together and without him we may not have met. I only hope that if there are any other boys raped by Coach Jordan that they find peace. https://www.jimjordanrapedme.org/
