Monroeville, Pennsylvania. On the evening of Thursday, October 10th, Jill Dayne, 37, was beyond terrified. After several weeks of hearing loud noises and rumbling in the basement of her newly-purchased, single-story home, the recent divorcee finally decided to ask for help from next-door neighbor, Todd Wall.
Unfamiliar with the neighborhood, frightened, shaking, vulnerable, desperate, completely alone, and unwilling to take the time to contact a priest or utilize sage-burning techniques in order to remove the evil spirit, Ms. Dayne was immediately comforted by the fact that Todd, 39, is a highly-experienced, technical documentation writer.
Having already seen the worst and most stressful situations that life can offer during his 15 years of professionally collaborating with others in order to produce occupational safety pamphlets, software installation instructions, manufacturing efficiency booklets, licensing agreements, employee handbooks, user guides for industrial equipment, and personnel policy & procedure sheets, Todd bravely agreed to help the gorgeous brunette with lovely, soul-penetrating, soft-brown eyes.
During a hurried walk across the street, Mr. Wall informed Jill that his 'real' first name is Michael and that Todd was simply a nickname he had earned from friends and classmates during his college days for being such a bad-ass, dissertation writer.
Highly impressed with that bit of information, Jill let the complete stranger into her house so that he could look around.
After briefly observing her living room and hearing some of the noises himself, Todd opened the door to the basement and walked down the creaky stairs, only to find an eight-foot tall, shadow creature standing right in front of him.
Although he had been heavily trained as a tech writer to never express human feelings or emotion, Todd admitted that he was a bit intimidated when the entity towering above him growled intensely while baring its razor-sharp teeth.
"My anus opened up, and some poop fell into my boxer briefs," he told reporters.
"I also peed a little bit," he added.
But, in a moment of truth during the showdown between man and fallen angel, Mr. Wall suddenly remembered that he had the third draft of a marketing strategy report on the inside pocket of his cheaply-purchased, Walmart coat.
"I got to subsection B on page 4 when it started dying," Todd stated. "So, I just continued reading the next 9 pages before needlessly elaborating on the details of a 35-page consumer product case study that I'm currently working on," he explained.
Upon noticing that the terrifying and unholy beast was fading away, Todd then invited it to a corporate seminar on profit-sharing before it disappeared completely.
Realizing that he had gained ultimate victory in the spiritual encounter, Todd then tried to ask Jill to marry him, only to tragically discover that she had passed away due to severe boredom.