Retired Technical Documentation Writer Leaves Audience In Tears After Stirring And Emotional Speech

Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 27 September 2019

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Jeez, I was only trying to help people!

Los Angeles, California. Retired Technical Documentation Writer, Tom Wall, 64, left his audience in tears last Thursday after describing all of the barriers he had to overcome in order to obtain a 30-year career producing instructional manuals for vacuum cleaners, toasters, and corporate-produced hand towel dispensers.

All ten of the college students who attended the lecture in the Bradley Center at Vas Deferens University were mesmerized by the way Thomas intricately explained the calmness he learned how to display after his more passionate and ferocious days.

"I had a lot of anger and intensity in my soul when I first started out producing case study reports for consumer products," Mr. Wall told reporters.

"But with age, I learned how to put my passions aside so that I could focus on helping upper-middle class people learn how to operate everyday, household items," he added, while one of the severely depressed youngsters who had attended the lecture jumped on a broken fence post in order to impale himself.

"Listen, I had a lower-middle class upbringing in Dane County, Wisconsin," Mr. Wall further confessed as another student took a cyanide capsule before leaping out of the nearest window, only to get splattered all over the road by a tanker truck full of gasoline going 150 miles per hour.

"But, I didn't let that stop me from becoming an upper-middle class, technical writer who got paid 80,000 a year in the Midwest," he said as three other attendees hung themselves with sturdy ropes they found in their garages.

"And women always pushed me away when I was younger, while saying things like 'I need to find myself' and 'you can only be happy with yourself in the long run', he added before two other extremely disillusioned students made the decision to disembowel each other with cheap steak knives.

"There's a lot more I can say about my life," he concluded before administrators pulled him off the stage while begging him to stop giving motivational speeches to young people.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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