Conservative-Minded, Horrifying, Demonic Beast Successfully Slain Outside Of Liberal Arts Classroom After Saying Terrible Things And Lighting Up A Cigarette

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 3 August 2019

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Northeastern Iowa. Bradley Johnson, a 24-year-old, psychotic, horrifying monster with misguided values and numerous mental disorders, was successfully captured, beaten, and impaled on a flag pole last Thursday after making terrible remarks during a 'human relations' debate on the third floor of Karmen Hall at Loran University.

When asked about his opinion on extremely important issues such as abortion, gay rights, sex education, divorce, health care, unemployment, gun control, immigration, religion, the environment, and feminism, the cleverly-disguised Beast from the 7th Layer of Hell accidentally revealed himself by stating that he "didn't really care" and that he "wanted a peaceful future in which these matters would not affect him."

Without fully realizing that he had indeed disclosed the ugly and twisted thoughts that were dwelling in the back of his abnormal and gruesome mind, Brad further remarked that "groups taking themselves too seriously, eventually become just as oppressive as the hatred they were originally trying to fight" and that "individuals are (by nature) selfish and egotistical despite the idealistic values they verbally express."

According to one deeply-traumatized and highly-offended student, the narcissistic, deranged, 'out-of-control,' criminal-minded Mr. Johnson made numerous other false statements such as: "Education Sucks!"... "Nice guys are generally discarded and treated like shit no matter what!"...and..."Paying attention to politics is a complete fucking waste of mental energy and purpose."

After making yet another statement involving an intricate description of the child-like and stupid behavior that he had witnessed in the dorms (and using it as an example to explain how human selfishness is a basic reality that has manifested itself in every institution across the globe), the evil entity walked out of the classroom, hovered down three flights of stairs in a rather unnatural way, opened the doors of the building with his demonic abilities, and lit up a cigarette.

During a silent (and sad) contemplation of the fact that 'true love' never occurs because life is too full of pointless noise and obligations, Brad looked up just in time to see 62-year-old Professor Hugh Kahn smash him in the face with an 850-page textbook on Theories Behind Cognitive Learning And Behavioral Disorders.

While being dragged across numerous sidewalks of the university, Brad came to consciousness just in time to hear it explained to him that smoking is not allowed on campus, that he had offended everyone in class, and that his opinions were 'out of line.'

The burned-out education major with numerous tuition bills and unfinished testing was then hoisted up and impaled on a flag pole.

Alumni Association Director Roger Thomson, 54, confirmed that Brad Johnson's story will not be included in future issues of The Enlightened Path when they beg successful graduates for donation money.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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