'At-Risk' Loser Determined To Become Overachieving Piece Of Shit Next Semester

Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 1 August 2019

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You can achieve anything you believe in...maybe...

Central Iowa. After failing a handful of his general education courses, earning poor grades in others, and succeeding at nothing during his first two semesters at Dickland University, Todd Michaels, 19, is determined to 'turn his life around' when he returns to campus next Fall.

Because being identified and labeled as an 'at-risk college student' last Spring was such a negative experience, the complete loser (and douchebag) has made it his primary goal to become an overachieving piece of shit before the next academic year is over.

The miserable failure, (who spent the entire months of June and July in his parents' basement masturbating all over himself while reflecting on some of the reasons why his academic performance was so lousy and embarrassing), came to the conclusion earlier this week that he needs to emulate the behavior of his highly-strung, unoriginal, (A+) perfect classmates as well as adopt some of the study habits of the stressed-out, anxiety-ridden, overloaded individuals living on his dormitory floor.

Although he is not that smart and generally sucks at everything he tries to accomplish, Todd is confident that the key to improvement will be to endure an overwhelming schedule full of challenging courses (such as Intro to Sociology, Pre-Algebra, English Grammar 101, and P.E.) as well as become involved in numerous campus clubs and extracurricular activities that will go completely unnoticed on his future resume, if he ever graduates.

Todd's parents, Brad and Sheila Michaels, nodded in agreement during the interview as if silently pleased with the fact that their son will be so busy next semester that he will have no time to think for himself or realize what a hopeless and 'dried out' cum-stain he actually is.

"My goal is to become more involved, meet new people, grow and develop into a mature and intelligent human being, and achieve as much as I possibly can," the piece of shit told reporters.

"I want to attain a personally-fulfilling career, and I also hope to find 'that special someone' who will truly love me for who I am," the fuckface added.

Without considering the ultimate truth that self-actualization never occurs by simply filling one's life full of meaningless noise and time-consuming activity, the incompetent scrotum plans to "dive right in" this September so that he can take full advantage of his liberal arts college education.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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