Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil from the town sixty-five miles from Pittsburg emerged today and did not see his famous shadow, thus predicted a quick end to winter. Phil is over 100 years old and has been forecasting the weather with better luck and accuracy than most meteorologists.
This year, Phil also offered a few more predictions:
1. "The Colts will win the Super Bowl and cover the spread and the over. Colts are faster than bears, even though bears are meaner and try to eat small forest animals like me."
2. "Britney will not flash her privates again until this summer when things get hot. You should avoid checking out the beavers, however, as groundhogs are much better looking."
3. "George Bush will not run for reelection. Hillary and Obama will not win their party's nominations as they are both too "squirrelly.""
4. "The newest Harry Potter book will sell a lot of copies this summer. In fact, it may sell more than any book this year. This is mostly because the Hermione in the books, much better looking than the one in the movies, has lots of curly hair and buck teeth and closely resembles a groundhog."