Bush Orders 3 Million Lite-Brites Detained

Written by Dan Barash

Friday, 2 February 2007

image for Bush Orders 3 Million Lite-Brites Detained
He may be programmed to kill.

Terrorism concerns have prompted President Bush to sign an emergency executive order to arrest and detain all three million of the nation's lite-brite toys. Lite-Brites displaying smartass cartoon characters terrorized Boston and brought the city to a standstill while police negotiators attempted to talk the electric devices down from bridges and overpasses.

A little publicized provision of the Patriot Act allows the president to arrest "games, toys, and thingamabobs" without charges and detain them indefinitely. Lite-brites may also have their batteries removed if there is an imminent national security risk.

Lite-brite manufacturer Hasbro denied rumors that the brightly colored lights were made in Pakistani madrassas.

Police and FBI agents were sweeping the country to round up all lite-brites. Several kindergarteners were arrested for obstructing police business.

Bush administration officials refused to discuss what would become of the detained toys. They did deny reports of lite-brites being tortured by having their little plastic bulbs crushed one by one.

It is believed the lite-brites will be housed in a secure warehouse at Guantanamo.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow denied that President Bush was using lite-brite fear to raise his sagging poll numbers and divert the nation's attention from the Iraq war. "This is legitimate hysteria," he said.

Most Americans seem resigned to losing a favorite toy if it is part of the war on terrorism. "I guess they had no choice," said one twelve-year-old in Dallas. "But now my Etch-a-Sketch is starting to look pretty nervous."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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