Several Grammar Errors Result In Total Carnage At Conservative Lutheran Church And Grade School

Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 27 May 2019

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Marathon County, Wisconsin. "God Damnit!"..."Fuck!"...and..."Shit!" were just a few of the words that Pastor Robert Severson, 62, screamed at the top of his lungs from his office on Thursday at the Good Shepherd Holy Christ WELS Lutheran Church And Grade School when he noticed that he had made several grammar errors in last Sunday's sermon pamphlet.

After realizing that the printed lecture on "Divine Patience" had already gone out to the flock of sheep who were under his care and spiritual guidance, the Reverend blew a royal fuse when he saw that he had a dangling modifier, a run-on sentence, and a misplaced semicolon in the opening paragraph describing the ultimate perfection of Jesus.

Tremendous amounts of unspeakable, 'behemoth-like' anger emanated from the soul of Pastor Severson as parents and young children ran away in order to escape the total destruction that was about to occur.

"My subtle instincts told me that Rob was on the verge of a total nervous meltdown," 34-year-old kindergarten teacher, Karen Becker, told reporters.

"So, I quietly put away my lesson plans and headed for shelter in the basement of my home," she added.

With his obsessive-compulsive disorder and his numerous 'pent-up' frustrations boiling deep inside, Pastor Severson finally lost control of himself, exploded in a furious rage that had never been seen before in the likes of human history, and ripped a rather heavy door completely off its hinges.

After totaling his own office and running into the congregational area so that he could hurl several wooden pews through the air, the 62-year-old then laughed hideously while guzzling a bottle of Wild Turkey that was being kept in the Church refrigerator next to the communion wine.

One terrified witness stated that he heard Pastor Robert fiercely bellow the words, "GRAMMAR MISTAKES ARE UNFORGIVABLE," before observing the theologically-trained 'protector of the faithful' dart through the doors of the building like an unstoppable bolt of lightning.

Although it was discovered that Robert Severson had engaged in a horrifyingly violent brawl of epic proportions at a local tavern later that night before relentlessly 'ass-raiding' (and 'titty-fucking') every single sleazy woman he could possibly find, community members were comforted to learn that Kain "Willie" Williams, a 24-year-old seminary graduate with more self-control and emotional balance, would soon be taking charge of the politically-conservative congregation in order to guide them more closely towards the Unconditional Love of the Creator.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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