Me Too Charges Presidential Candidate Shrdlu with "Sexual Battery"

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Monday, 27 May 2019

Venezuelan Embassy. Ottawa, Canada. Standing in front of the embassy in which Etaoin Shrdlu resides in exile while conducting his 2020 presidential bid, an unidentified spokeswoman for the International Me Too organization read a short statement charging Shrdlu with crimes against women.

Specifically, a female campaign aide alleged that he violated her dignity with unwanted and unexpected touching when she embraced him at the embassy. Me Too has called on Shrdlu to withdraw from the Democratic presidential primary. "First Biden, now Shrdlu. The Democrats can do better than these two," the statement read.

Shrdlu was not surprised at the reaction from Me Too but had an unusual explanation. "I grew up in a family which didn't hug. The only woman I hugged for fifty years was my late wife, I always patted her bottom gently - love pats - when we hugged. She never complained. But now everyone wants to hug me since I leaked the Mueller Report and am running for president.

"I sometimes inadvertently engage in patting when I am surprised by a hug from a supporter or admirer. Nothing was intended. It occurred without a thought. I apologize to anyone who has been offended, but, like Biden, I'll remain in the race."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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