La Crosse, Wisconsin. In a desperate effort to "get himself out there," 39-year-old, sexually-frustrated, Brad Harper got on a treadmill last Friday at 3:45 pm so that the gorgeous, voluptuous, upper-class women using the elliptical machines behind him could get a good look at the bald spot on his head.
Craving nothing more than to be locked in between the firm, tight, steamy thighs of at least one of the vigorous, healthy, well-established females behind him, Brad hoped that the gigantic, hairless circle on the back of his head (which expands on a yearly basis) would send the subtle message that he is available for a forbidden night of relentless, passionate, heart-pounding, sexual activity underneath the sheets of a king-sized bed in a cheap hotel room.
Noticing that their massive, lovely breasts keep bouncing up and down constantly underneath their shirts, Brad cast all of his existential anxiety aside in order to send the subtle message that he is single and that his low income would 'not be an issue' if any one of them suddenly felt the animalistic urge to 'tear his clothes off' and take advantage of him 'reverse cowgirl style.'
Despite his constant rejections on numerous dating profiles, the assembly line worker at Bob and Todd's Composite Decking Boards, Inc, claimed that his very presence in the gym may have inspired some intrigue about the depth and complexity of his personality, but that he needs to be cautious.
"Deeply-hidden, burning, 'lust-filled' desires are an undeniable part of the human condition," Brad confessed.
"And that's why I hope that they won't lose complete control of themselves before collectively deciding to overwhelm me in an unexpected, savage orgy of endless, romantic pleasure," he added.
After driving home in his 1999 Buick Skylark, the balding "paycheck-to-paycheck" wage earner found a message on his answering machine from his boss, who informed him that upper management was going to fire him if he didn't empty the cardboard compactor immediately on Monday morning.