Julian Assange: Profile

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 14 April 2019

image for Julian Assange: Profile
A man with a beard like Julian Assange

Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, who had been residing at the Ecuador Embassy in London since 2012 until his arrest last Thursday, is a wanted man in both the US and Sweden, but, apart from that, it's difficult to think of anything else to write about him.

I suppose I could try.

Assange is a name that many people struggle with. Some say it should be pronounced 'Ass-arnj', whilst others maintain that 'Ass-ornj' is the correct way. In both cases, the final 'j' sound sounds like the 'j' a French person uses when saying 'juin', 'juillet' or 'jaunes'.

Whichever it is, Australians probably think it sounds a bit effeminate.

Julian seems like a nice-enough sort of bloke.

His interests include swimming, water sports, computer hacking, and crocodile wrestling.

Julian's favorite dish is Swedish Meatballs.

Julian had a cat named Ermintrude, but she died of neglect in 2014.

To kill time whilst in the Embassy, Julian decided to count the number of whiskers in his beard. He undertook this task fourteen times - he lost count three times! Surprisingly, he has not yet released the results, but it's thought they must number around 40,000.

When he does decide to 'go public', it's almost certain to be a Whiski-leak.

Medical records show that Mr. Assange often suffered from chronic constipation which, once relieved, turned quickly to a state of uncommonly persistent diarrhoea.

That's enough of that - Ed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more