Devil’s Advocate Warns Off Would-Be Players

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

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According to some, the Devil's Advocate's ire at being "played" burned hotter than hellfire.

Railing against the highly popular debate technique named for him, the Devil’s Advocate himself issued a stern warning to would-be players seeking to temporarily take on his identity for the sake of making a point.

“The devil don’t play or get played,” stated the D.A. in no uncertain terms. “And neither do I. Make your points yourself.”

Emphasizing the sacredness of the attorney-client relationship, the D.A. reminded those considering playing devil's advocate that he, and he alone, represents the devil (whose name the D.A. refused to disclose, in accordance with laws regarding attorney-client privilege). “But needless to say, my commander-in-chief, that is, my client, is a powerful figure,” stated the D.A. “And he doesn’t need any other advocates. Especially pretend ones.”

The D.A. additionally pointed out that there are severe penalties for the offense of impersonating an attorney, although he acknowledged that it is not clear which court would have jurisdiction over the charge of impersonating the devil's advocate in the celestial realm.

On a more personal note, the D.A. revealed that he felt extremely taken advantage of by those engaging in esoteric arguments over social justice issues and matters of religion. "I've been played time and time again, and I'm not a guitar," he said. "I've had enough. As they say, me, too!"

The D.A. concluded with a fiery rant against those in the habit of capriciously (and badly) impersonating him.

"People sometimes imitate me in order to make a point, expand awareness, or even inject a note of empathy into a back-and-forth with a particularly tunnel-visioned opponent. But speaking on behalf of the devil himself, which, again, only I have the legal authority to do, the devil opposes logic, awareness, and especially empathy. The devil’s powers, and my own powers of attorney, are not to be subverted for purposes of good, or even reason. They are strictly reserved for an agenda of darkness.”

“My credit card’s not up for grabs, either,” the D.A. added (with an appropriately dark chuckle). “So wrap it up, folks. Pick up your childish toys and go on home. Playtime is over.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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