Lafayette County, Wisconsin. Jerry Brenner, 32, was maliciously abused and tortured by several psychologically-maladjusted dwarves last Tuesday, December 25th.
Mr. Brenner had been sitting comfortably in his apartment having a magnificent holiday dinner with his girlfriend, Julie, when the dwarves suddenly burst through his door and began telling him outdated, cliché jokes that he really didn't appreciate.
After drinking all of the beer and wine in his refrigerator, making him play card games that he hates, and showing him numerous pictures of historical sites in the Midwest that he really doesn't want to visit, the dwarves then tied his girlfriend to a chair and 'forced her to look' as they made Jerry sit through an entire Rocky Marathon on the AMC Channel.
Jerry endured the first two Rocky movies fairly well. However, he began to show visible signs of irritation at the beginning of Rocky 3:
“How can this be?” Jerry said angrily. “He was 'technically' past his prime as a boxer in the first movie! How is he able to take on stronger and stronger opponents in every sequel?” The dwarves, however, paid no attention to him.
Jerry’s girlfriend tried to look away because she simply couldn’t endure watching her boyfriend suffer so horribly, but the dwarves held her head in place and threatened to make her listen to hours upon hours of bizarre 70s music on the Studio 54 Channel. She had no choice but to watch helplessly as Jerry suffered.
When the Communist Party stood up and applauded Rocky’s 'victory speech' at the end of Rocky 4, Jerry began crying.
“THAT WAS BULLSHIT!” he screamed as tears of pain rolled down his cheeks. "THAT WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED DURING THE LAST STAGES OF THE COLD WAR ERA,” he pleaded. (Again, the dwarves paid no attention to him.)
Halfway through Rocky 5, Jerry's mind simply couldn’t endure any more suffering, and his spirit broke completely. He sat there limp, drooling, and occasionally twitching as the credits rolled.
After the 6th Rocky movie was over, the dwarves criticized the interior design of Jerry’s apartment, they made fun of his haircut, and then they threw him on the floor so that they could take turns farting on his face. They also jammed a freshly-sharpened No. 2 pencil into his penis hole.
As doctors and nurses carefully removed the pencil from Jerry's penis on Wednesday, Julie asked them if they could fix his haircut as well. She then went out shopping for furniture and 'home decorating' supplies.
On Thursday, she told reporters that Rocky 4 was actually a pretty good movie.
