Serial Killer Solves Cold Case

Funny story written by Danny Williams

Friday, 28 December 2018

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Derek Flatt: Under Arrest and Totally Spooked

Chester, PA. (WTFM) -- Early this morning, while digging a shallow grave intended to be the final resting place for his latest victim, serial killer Derek Flatt uncovered a shallow grave containing a victim of serial killer, Justin Crabwell. Crabwell, as the public will recall, was finally brought to justice last year, when investigators matched the blue, silk ribbon found around the necks of his victims to a spool of the same fabric found in Crabwell's apartment.

"At first, I was like 'whoa, did I do this?' Because, you know, it wouldn't be the first time I buried a body out here. Then I saw the blue ribbon, and I knew it was Crabwell's. Frankly, I was relieved, because I thought for a second I might be losing my mind, you know? But, no, it was definitely Crabwell."

Identification found with the body has confirmed the victim -- Crabwell's victim, that is -- to be Patricia Stanton, a local prostitute who was declared missing in April of 2015. Henrietta Stanton, Patricia's mother, wished to express her thanks to the serial killer -- Flatt, that is -- for finally bringing her some peace, but said the news is bittersweet, as her other daughter, Felicia Stanton, cannot presently be accounted for.

"I am grateful," Mrs. Stanton said, crying. "But I haven't seen my other daughter in two days, and I'm sure she'd want to know her sister has finally come home. I'm very worried."

Upon hearing the news of another missing person, detectives decided to dig further into Flatt's victim and discovered that, as serendipity would have it, it is indeed the sister of Crabwell's victim, Felicia Stanton.

"Whoa! That is spooky!" exclaimed Flatt as he was led away by police.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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