Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 22 November 2018

image for States of Wisconsin and Iowa Discovered to be 'Totally Fucked'

International News Reporters rushed to the State of Wisconsin when they received a disturbing report that the intricately-designed Universe (with all of its magnificent wonders as well as its originally-beautiful design) is somehow broken, twisted, and "irreparably fucked."

After highly intelligent investigators analyzed both the history of Wisconsin as well as its current affairs, they came to the conclusion that the territory itself is infested with 'money-draining' colleges loaded with pointless knowledge; a pathetic secondary education system that utilizes 'commercial-like slogans' to inspire young people; useless 'church-going;' a protestant 'work ethic' that never leads to spiritual enlightenment; relationships that fail; infidelity; increasing divorce rates; heavy drinking; politics that suck ass; broken connections between people; soul-crushing labor; feelings of profound emptiness, and a tremendous amount of hopeless bullshit that would rattle even the 7th layer of Heaven itself.

"They also repeat stupid phrases such as 'It Is What It Is', and 'Things Are The Way They Are' before they continue to lead 'karmically-doomed' and 'extremely boring' lives, lead reporter, Thomas Manning, confessed.

Feeling 'existentially disillusioned,' the international news reporting team rushed to the State of Iowa in search of hope, but found that things were exactly the same over there.

(UPDATE: Out of complete despair, lead reporter, Thomas Manning, has just hurled himself off of a cliff that had many jagged protrusions. Instead of landing vertically, his body flopped around in many dynamic geographical angles (both acute and obtuse) before he actually splattered all over the ground in a horrifying manner.)

If you have a degree in English, Literature, or perhaps even a few 'community college' credits before you dropped out and started doing drugs, we do have a position available.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Iowa, wisconsin




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