Crawford County. Thomas Bradley (and not Wesley Janson, who is extremely strong and brave), pooped and peed in his pants last Sunday after watching the 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project.
Because he has no girlfriend, Thomas Bradley (and not Wesley Janson, who is extremely strong and brave) sits around in an empty house all the time listening to 1980s love music while drinking beer and crying.
"I have a life, I really do," he told reporters. "My life is exciting and dynamic, and it couldn't possibly be more fulfilling," he pleaded.
"I'm not pathetic," he desperately added.
After Thomas Bradley 'dries out' from massive beer drinking on Fridays and Saturdays, he likes to 'calm down' by watching the ghost channel as well as scary movies on Sunday evenings.
When the 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project came on television last Sunday, Thomas sat through the entire movie by himself before replacing the '5-dollar' pair of boxer briefs he purchased at Wal-Mart.
Upon further investigation, reporters discovered that Thomas (and not Wesley Janson, who is extremely strong and brave) had cried himself to sleep the previous two nights after repeatedly listening to Taylor Dayne's music video titled "I'll Always Love You" as well as Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind."
His mental state of mind, however, seemed to 'shift gears' on Sunday as the 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project came on television. Apparently, all thoughts of love and romance were completely abandoned when the big, scary demon crawled out of a corner in the abandoned cabin at the end of the movie causing Thomas (and not Wesley) to completely unload himself in his pants.
Lead reporter, Sarah McWilliams, originally thought that Thomas was handsome, but after investigating the entire story, decided to marry assistant reporter, Jonathan Smith, who proved to be a much braver man.
"The 2016 remake of The Blair Witch Project didn't really bother me that much. It's just a movie," Jonathan stated.
Sarah and Jonathan recently won the lottery, and they have wonderful, magnificent, 'mind-boggling' sex every single day in a beautiful mansion.