Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 15 September 2018

image for Woman Still Believes in Hope After Shattering The Hearts And Lives of Several Men

Grant County, Wisconsin. Linda Swenson, 47, told reporters last Tuesday that she still believes the perfect man is out there for her somewhere.

Linda, who works as a registered nurse at a nearby hospital, claims that she hasn't met 'Mr. Right' just yet. Although she has been through 3 marriages and has had somewhere between 18 to 23 lovers in the past 15 years (7 of which were extramarital affairs), the recent divorcee is currently on the prowl.

"I'm not the type of person who gives up easily," she told reporters.

After completely destroying her last husband both financially and psychologically in a horrifying divorce that left him emotionally crippled for life, Linda said that she now feels the need to move on and find happiness.

"I think every woman has a right to find her own satisfaction," Linda stated.

When asked what happened with her last marriage, Linda recalled that her husband came home from work exhausted one day and then became rather upset when he found her naked on the kitchen table getting drilled by the Schwan's Delivery Man.

"It probably didn't help that the mailman was also there watching both of us and masturbating," Linda confessed. "That seemed to make my husband even more enraged," she added.

Even though the divorce was 'very messy' and she had to use the best of her manipulative powers in order to find a lawyer and then completely drain her husband's resources so that she could come out ahead financially while leaving the man totally in ruins, Linda said that she did not let the exhaustion get to her.

"I was very tired after the entire process, but I still believe in true love, and I don't think anybody should give up on their search for a soul mate," she commented.

The brave and courageous Linda has been through quite a battle over the years, breaking off marriages and cutting off numerous lovers on the side.

"Men often call me up with tears rolling down their faces asking if they can see me again, but I just have to cut them off cold as I continue to search for what's best for me. It's been a long and difficult road," Linda calmly stated.

When asked how the dating process was going, Linda said that she has 4 different dating profiles that are currently active and that she's looking for someone who is 'sexually experienced.'

"I'm a good person, and I'm really warm-hearted if you just get to know me," she concluded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
36 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more