After a long and hard night of drinking at his class reunion, walking back home in the rain, and then proceeding to throw up one of his kidneys, most of his internal organs, his spleen, his pancreas, the 1% of his liver that actually still works, and half of his face, Christopher Bradley, 38, confessed to reporters that he also accidentally spilled coffee on his penis the next day.
"I lost complete control of myself last night," Christopher told lead reporter, Thomas Bradley. "It was a wonderful time, but I think I drank too much," he further added.
When he got home, the middle-aged Christopher consumed a moldy piece of cheese, and outdated pack of Doritos, a box of Corn Flakes, and some rice before he peed in his own refrigerator and fell down on the living room floor.
"I woke up the next morning feeling like fucking shit," he said. "I stumbled out of my house, drove to the nearest gas station, bought some coffee, and that's when it happened," he recalled.
When Thomas Bradley asked him to further explain, Christopher said that he took a sharp left turn right before the hot coffee bounced out of the cup-holder in his truck and landed right on his penis.
"It hurt really bad," Christopher stated.