Intactivists: The Shlong and Short Of It

Funny story written by Jerry Conroy

Monday, 28 August 2017

"Fore skin and several shears ago, our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so circumcised, can long endure." What sounds like the Gettysburg Address could actually become a battle cry. We may have been created equal, but a fanatical band of weenies calling themselves "Intact America" feels they got the uhh.. short end of the stick. Shafted, so to speak.

In this day and age of professional victims in dedicated pursuit of something to rage against, these rebels have found a cause they can grab onto with both hands: their Johnson's. Ok, maybe one hand.

Branding themselves "Intactivists," they demonstrate across the country by holding group whine sessions lamenting the loss of the foreskins they say were robbed from them at birth.

Dressing themselves in all white, with their crotches painted blood red, they hold slogan- painted signs such as "foreskin is not a birth defect," and "stop the mutilation." In a world of chaos, hate, and true suffering, these idiots are focusing their anger at Dr. Peter Lopitoff, et al, for taking "a little off the top." Intact America "members" (har,har) and fellow victims calling themselves Bloodstained Men, argue that their circumcision amounts to sexual mutilation without their consent, thus robbing them of the sexual sensation men were meant to have. Their goal? To outlaw a time-honored tradition they feel is barbaric and cruel. Get a grip. The reaction of passersby during their demonstrations ranges from support, to amusement, to ridicule.

Personally, I don't see what all the fuss is about. I think the ol' nip n' tuck is a good idea for health and safety reasons. If I hadn't been snipped, why, i'd be tripping over it to this very day. Think how silly my willy would look with the Nike swoosh stamped on it. Why, the poor guy might even get lassoed by my shoelaces. Ah well, we all have our burdens to carry.

But far be it for me to interfere with their right to free speech, or their efforts to snip this problem in the pud. (sorry) Although their protests have been mostly peaceful, I just think they're going to have to kick things up a notch if they expect to see any real results.
They need only look to the recent confrontations in Charlottesville, VA for inspiration and guidance. To make some real headway here, they need presidential backing. And nothing would ensure the support of President Trump quicker than some good old chaos and violence. He would seem a natural ally, as it's likely a safe bet to assume the Presidential Pecker has also been clipped. If not, that god-awful comb-over would be safely under wraps. (rim shot)

As their movement gains steam, two more important things will be needed in order to keep giving their enemies the high hard one: Money and legal counsel. For money - I suggest corporate sponsorship. TV advertising is crucial. "Today's demonstration brought to you by Ginsu, Weed Whacker and Band-Aids." And, of course, Johnson & Johnson. To defend themselves from the inevitable lawsuits and other legal actions, I also suggest hiring the law firm of Talliwacker, Snippit & Stubbs. "Lance, Peter, & Dick will always get you off."

Better slogans are clearly needed here, too, as their current ones are a little stiff. Short and catchy is better. "Stop The Chop!" "Gimme Some Skin!" "It Won't Be Long Now."

My final suggestion: Marches. Marches have always been an effective way of spreading the word and increasing awareness for your cause. So get hoofin' and burn some shoe leather.

And besides, nothing would keep you in stitches like Donald J. Trump leading the faithful down Pennsylvania Avenue in a rousing version of "We Shall Over-comb."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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