Written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

image for Nashville Man's Sorrows Learn to Swim
Bryce Rutledge's father taught him to drown his sorrows - and it worked, until his sorrows learned to swim.

After decades of successfully drowning his sorrows with whiskey, craft brews, and even the occasional black coffee, Nashville man Bryce Rutledge, Jr., was disconcerted to find that those tried-and-true drowning techniques no longer worked; it seemed his sorrows had learned to swim.

“It blew my mind at first,” said Bryce. “I knew those blues were resilient. But I didn't realize they were also athletically inclined.”

Bryce explained that he learned the failsafe method of drowning sorrows from his father, who, when times got tough, liked to advise his son to “go with the flow” - as he poured liquor straight down his throat.

“Wash those worries away,” was another favorite mantra of Bryce Rutledge, Sr., who particularly emphasized the antiseptic nature of alcohol.

“It all made sense at the time,” Bryce says now of his father's counsel. “But Daddy died pretty young, and he also never worked out, like I do. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that my sorrows are more sportsman-like.”

Bryce added that of his various sorrows, the one that seems to have the fastest and most powerful stroke is his inner shame, cultivated so diligently by his dad. “It's got quite a breast stroke,” said Bryce. “In fact, I can feel it warming up in my chest the second I even order a drink.”

Bryce says that this newfound ability of his sorrows to keep their heads above water (as well as alcohol and other liquids), has given him a new sense of respect for his internal angst – so much so that he no longer intends to try to oust those sporty, plucky sorrows of his. “They've earned their right to be there,” he said. “No more trying to drown them. I'm actually planning to throw them a line."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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