Bush Pardons Drug Dealer

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Saturday, 23 December 2006

image for Bush Pardons Drug Dealer
"Sure, let him go, I knew his daddy..."

Washington D.C. - When George Bush issued 16 pardons, on Thursday, among them was a pardon for methamphetamine dealer, Phillip Anthony Emmert. Although many of the other pardons were for insignificant transgressions, Media attention is now focusing on why a good Christian like George Bush would feel compelled to pardon a drug dealer. The answer may have to do with the type of Christianity that Bush practices.

In November, evangelical minister, Rev. Ted Haggard, who had played the key role in lining up the support of evangelicals for George Bush, admitted getting a massage and buying methamphetamine from a gay prostitute, but denied ever using the drugs. The unexplained question has been, why did he buy these drugs, if he never used them?

Haggard had been a regular at the White House, and had weekly meetings with Bush or his advisors. Although George Bush had a reputation for using cocaine when he was young, some are questioning whether he ever really stopped using drugs. It is now speculated that the reason Haggard didn't use the drugs he bought, was because he was simply buying them to deliver to George Bush.

Some of Bush's history of substance abuse is a matter of public record. In December, 1966, he was arrested for disorderly conduct, following drinking. George Bush now admits that he was, later, convicted of drunk driving, On September 4, 1976...although this did not become public knowledge until the 2000 election. Many people witnessed Bush using marijuana and cocaine when he was young. Bush has said that he did not use illegal drugs at any time since 1974, but refuses to say that he did not use drugs before then.

Katherine van Wormer, Professor of Social Work , and an addiction specialist, belives Bush is an example of a "dry drunk", a term denoting "a recovering alcoholic who is no longer drinking, but who has not confronted the dysfunctional basic cognitive patterns that led to addiction; they use the term because they feel that such an individual is someone 'who is no longer drinking . . . but whose thinking is clouded,' not truly 'sober'".

She believes Bush displays the signs of "grandiose behavior, rigid, judgmental outlook, impatience, childish and irresponsible behavior, irrational rationalisation, projection, and overreaction."

Harvard professor of political science Barney Hampton remarked "anyone who hears Bush make a public statement, can tell that his brain is fried. How could someone who once graduated from Yale, be reduced to below a third-grade level command of the English language? He looks quite sickly and demented when he walks off an airplane, and talks like a babbling idiot. Extended drug and alcohol use is the only reasonable explanation."

"Bush is kept out of sight, on his Texas ranch, as much as possible. Bush has made 49 trips to his ranch and has spent more than a year of his presidency at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. He can't cope with all of the serious and sober talk in Washington," Professor Hampton added.

Editors note: Evan Essence recieved his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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