Written by thecabbidge

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

image for God Sorry for Not Noticing Gunman Creeping Around Church

In a rare public appearance, God has apologized for not noticing Devin Patrick Kelley creeping up to the church armed with an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle.

God says he was distracted by all the lovely prayers coming from inside the church. "The parishioners were really being very nice," he said. "Thanking me for watching over them and keeping everyone safe from harm."

God explained that at the same time, which in retrospect he admitted was unfortunate, he was also telling Billy in Alabama why he couldn't give him salvation right at that moment, and helping to find Janet Peterson's cat as well, which had gone missing the night before.

When asked about his all-seeing eye God admitted how that particular ability had been somewhat exaggerated over the years and that it was, in fact, something quite a bit less than all-seeing and probably closer to two percent seeing. And that would be on a good day, if he were being completely honest.

God suggested later that it was really pretty nervy people expecting him to be all-seeing like that, and that anyone who gave it a moment's serious thought would most likely understand this.

In a moment of what sounded like rhetoric, God wanted to know who people think he is.

Even so, he admits that the timing of Janet's cat going missing was unfortunate, and if she hadn't left the back door open most likely none of this would have happened.

Not that he was in any way trying to blame Janet.

"I'm really very sorry," God said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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