ONLY IN AMERICA - The Boy Scouts of America last week announced that it would allow girls to participate in Cub Scouts and eventually earn the coveted Eagle Scout rank. A spokesperson said: "Families today are busier and more diverse than ever. Most are dual-earners and there are more single-parent households than ever before, making convenient programs that serve the whole family more appealing."
A mother of four, with two girls and two boys already in the Boy Scouts, proclaimed: "My husband and I are just thrilled and tickled pink that the Boy Scouts have become so politically correct and progressive. What could be better than a pack of post-pubescent girls and boys, with raging hormones, going out on week-long camping trips sleeping together in the forest in tents?"
Somehow the Scout motto "Be prepared" now has an entirely new meaning!
Randall L. Stephenson, president of Boy Scouts of America, when asked about mixing boys and girls together, said: "In 2013 and 2015 the organization already lifted the ban on openly gay scouts and ended the prohibition on gay leaders. Earlier this year, we allowed transgender members. We aren't too worried about anything going wrong by just adding girls." He confessed they did have a plan in place if any girl becomes pregnant: She will be given the honorary title of "Spread-Eagle Scout".
To accommodate bringing girls into its ranks, the Boy Scouts of America announced a few changes in its uniforms, overall curriculum, and merit programs.
Boy Scout caps will be replaced with the more politically correct knitted Pink Power Pussy Hats. The boy Scout shirt will now be called a blouse. Boy Scout shorts can be interchanged with a new solid box pleated skirt, ruffled panties optional. The famous Boy Scout flag with the Crest of Leadership and Eagle will be replaced with a Boy Scout Rainbow flag, commonly known as the gay pride flag or LGBT pride flag.
All Boy Scout Jamboree three-legged races will be banned because they have masculine overtones. All urinals will be removed from all Boy Scout bathrooms, so both girls and boys will be forced to have to squat to pee. Pronouns such as she and he will be banded and "Ze", pronounced "Zee", replaces she/he/they. Hir, pronounced like "here", replaces her/hers/him/his/they/theirs.
When Randall L. Stephenson was asked about what changes to the Boy Scout merit programs were in store, he gushed: "We have been way too misogynistic in our approach to merit badges and have made some dramatic changes. Merit badges such as wood carving, rifle shooting, archery, and metalwork will be replaced with needlepoint, crocheting, doll making, ironing, and cookie baking. A swimming merit badge will require successful completion of synchronized swimming performances. For the younger cub scouts, special classes will be taught in how to dress up your GI Joe and Ken Dolls like Barbie."
Many have applauded the Boy Scouts in their bold and noble move to erase their long history of discrimination and gender bias. However, not everyone was thrilled. Kathy Hopinkah Hannan, the president of the Girl Scouts, angrily remarked: "I know what those damn Boy Scouts are up to, they just want a piece of our $1 billion in Girl Scout cookie sales! They have already been secretly recruiting some of our best sales girls."
A undisclosed source, buried deep in the Boy Scout management, revealed some of the details. Boy Scout membership had been on the decline for decades and alternative sources of revenue were needed. The idea culminated back In 2013, when the Boy Scouts started allowing openly gay boys. They found these young men enjoyed baking much more than slugging through the rain, mud, and getting dirty on some stupid camping trip. They put them to work in newly built cookie factories. Unlike those stupid Girl Scouts, who buy their cookies from outside sources, the Boy Scouts will make their own cookies and can control prices. Estrogen is also added to the Boy Scout cookie recipe to insure future availability of gay and transgender boys.
On the street, Boy Scout cookie sales should be a breeze. Since any girl joining the Boy Scouts is probably already tough and masculine, they should be able to easily scare off any Girl Scout selling cookies or just beat her up.