Right when the world firmly believed that North Korea would decimate the planet by starting World War III, Kim Jong-un (left) completely abandoned his nuclear program yesterday when a handful of U.S. companies offered him an envious array of bargains on America's most popular goods and services.
And first to pony up a 'deal of a lifetime' was Time Warner when, in exchange for pulling the plugs on all his warheads, Kim Jung-un accepted 'free HBO and Showtime for life', with the option of adding ESPN 3 and The Playboy Channel for only an additional unheard price of $1.99 per month!
"It was an unbelievable offer not even an out-of-control despot could turn down," said Time Warner CEO Jeffrey Bewkes while raising everyone else's cable bill by 9%. "And I hope Mr. Jong-un returns the favor by promising Time Warner he'll never switch over to DishTV."
Moments later, Kim Jung-un swapped a non-negotiable moratorium on all nuclear bomb testing for a Capital One Venture Rewards Credit Card that unbelievably offered: 1) 0% intro APR for 20 years (then a variable APR of 1.3 - 2.7%), 2) unlimited 50% cash back on every purchase (including gas, grocery, wholesale clubs, dining and travel), and 3) 50,000 bonus points for every breath the North Korean dictator took.
"You'd have to be an utter imbecile to turn down a credit card offer like this," said Capital One CEO Richard Fairbank. And on a related note," he added, "This will be the very first time we'd offer a credit card 'teaser rate' where a consumer wouldn't want us to "burn in hell" six months down the road."
Lastly, Kim Jung-un contractually agreed to never enrich nuclear materials again in exchange for a free lifetime membership to Jenny Craig that included over 300 delicious menu options, 24/7 access to a Dedicated Weigh-Loss Consultant and a "never hungry before bedtime" guarantee.
"We are very pleased to have an agreement with North Korea that takes nuclear enrichment off the table," said U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley (right) while trying to get Iran to stop supporting Hezbollah in exchange for a really good cell phone deal from Sprint. "And the deal with Kim Jung-un was ultimately reached because anyone would give up anything if they could lose weight while not feeling hungry before bedtime."
As of this morning, Kim Jung has kept his end of the new nuclear deal agreement with the world, and has already lost a very noticeable 9½ pounds.