What Happened - S H I T Happens

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Wednesday, 13 September 2017


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Déjà view, all over again. Somehow it feels like the evening of November 8, 2016. The U.S. presidential election that just keeps on giving. With Hillary Clinton's recent triumphant return to the media spotlight with her new book "What Happened", it seems the presidency will once again be debated infinitum in the press and on social media.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, the two people others love to hate. They seem to bring out the worst in just about everyone. I admit, just seeing Hillary Clinton again and hearing her speak, gets my juices flowing. No, you moron, not sexual arousal, but pure unadulterated loathing. Her voice, like finger nails on a chalkboard. Her face, like something out of a Freddy Krueger horror movie. You know, those movies where they kill the monster and it keeps coming back to life wreaking havoc and revenge.

I apologize in advance to all you Trump haters out there. This site, like the rest of the main stream media, appears to be heavily favored and orientated to negative Trump stories. In fact, I recently tuned in to CNN to hear the day's news. Some of the most recent stories that day, 20 killed in Islamist extremist attack in Europe, hurricanes hit U.S. - stranding millions, Korean thermonuclear war imminent - world may end soon. I actually heard a CNN reported say: "Forget all those stories, let's get to the "real" news: Trump-Russian conclusion. Other stories - 2% of air time. Trump-Russian conclusion, 98% of air time.

Hillary Clinton wrote 512 pages describing how just about everything and everyone was responsible for her devastating loss last November. The Russians, that big, bad, mean, FBI director James Comey, the DNC, bad polling, Electoral College, suburban women, rural women, even former President Barack Obama. Of course, blaming herself the exception. The answer is quite simple. "What Happened", S H I T Happened. S H I T - Silly Hillary It's Trump.

Actually, some of my favorite Hillary excuses are Macedonia's content farms, those guys over in Macedonia who are running fake news sites that slandered her. The 1,000 Russian agents using Facebook to discredit her. Team Hillary was too honest, she said: "...we did not engage in any false content". The excuse that I'm personally somewhat embarrassed to reveal: No one wanted a president with tities that sag.

After Simon & Schuster shelled out over $8 million in advance royalties for Hillary's "What Happened", editors did have some say in its final content. They cut some of the more controversial reasons for her loss out of the book. The following are a paraphrasing of just a few of those numerous other reasons that were eliminated before going to press.

Haitian Voodoo
After learning that the Clinton Foundation spent $15,000 on Hillary's daughter's wedding dress, instead of helping poor people in Haiti, a Haitian Voodoo Doctor cast a spell on Hillary, which she said was the reason for falling all the time during her campaign.

Global Warming
The heat from Global Warming caused her to pass out during a New York City 9/11 commemoration event. It should be noted that it was only in the mid-70s that day.

Her Panties Were Wet
No, it wasn't because she was sexually aroused by campaigning, her sphincter urethrae would let lose every time she heard her presidential poll numbers were below 50%.

Russian Vodka
After the presidential primaries were over, Vladimir Putin sent Hillary 10 cases of Russian Vodka which she didn't want to see go to waste. If you remember her slurred speech, disorientation, and blackouts at various times during her presidential campaign, it wasn't because of a brain clot, as some in the media had speculated, she was just hungover.

Bill Blow Job Jokes
Although Bill escaped most of her wrath in the book, she wrote about how the alt-right's Bill blow job jokes and Monica Lewinsky stories seem to trump the "grab 'em by the pussy" narrative.

Her Pant Suits Were Too Tight
She said all those campaign brunches and $1 million a plate fund raising dinners caused her to gain weight - making her pant suits too tight. Anyone who noticed that burgeoning behind of hers was all too aware of that fact.

After the presidential debates and being in close proximity with Trump, she said she contracted Trumpillitis. Why else do you think she was coughing all the time during her speeches and spitting up hairballs?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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