Congress Passes Fetal Gun Rights Bill

Written by XRhonda Speaks

Sunday, 16 April 2017

image for Congress Passes Fetal Gun Rights Bill
A family keepsake: baby's first pistol.

Amid much controversy the Fetal Universal Gun and Ammo Rights bill (FUGAR) squeaked through the house and is now on it's way to the US Senate.

Congressman Evan Jenkins of West Virginia (R-NRA-DNA) touted the bill as a win/win after the historic congressional vote.

"In one fell swoop we've strengthened the second amendment to the constitution and we're protecting the rights of the unborn by making sure that they can legally bear arms. FUGAR further champions the rights of unborn Americans by granting the status of person-hood to the fetus upon gun ownership."

Martia Shaliknov of Coprofeld, AZ, is a mother of two children and is expecting a third. She supports the proposed law and told this reporter all of her children were armed before they were born.

"We're way ahead of the curve in Arizona--well, in our family at least--we never waited for a damn law to tell us to arm our babies before birth."

Shaliknov then detailed her reasons for believing her children should be armed at such an early age.

"My Husband and I have guns and rifles all around the house so it's not like a Mexican or Muslim-y person is going to be able to sneak up to my cooch and kidnap my baby. But those genetically predisposed criminal types aren't going to try anything in the first place if they know my unborn child might give them a blast of buckshot or AK-47 to the face."

"But besides protection, we're just a gun loving family, and we want our children to be comfortable around guns. Our little ones have open carried since they were born and they've never had to spend a single day without a gun or a rifle. We're hoping the politicians pass the KinderCarry laws by the time our oldest starts preschool, but if not we're ready to home school our kids until they can fix the gun laws."

Anti-gun advocate Blair Gutille said that FUGAR won't make families and children any safer.

"Studies have proven that the more guns you have in the womb the more likely a fetus is to be a victim of gun violence. Children who grow up without a gun in the womb are less likely to have firearms later in life and statistically they are significantly less likely to die from gun violence throughout their entire lives."

"American culture is just so gun crazy, we want to make everything into a Wild West fantasy: So now we have this ridiculous idea that a fetus has to be ready for a Shootout at the VJ Canal."

American Heritage Manufacturers, the maker of Kevlar Kids™ school wear, is ready to help families arm their most vulnerable members by broadening their product line to reflect the new trend. New products include: Kevlar Moms™ maternity wear, fetal safety locks for guns, and low powered rubber ammo for unborn baby's first practice rounds.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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