Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

image for Gov. Bourbon Signs Conceal Carry Law That Allows Children to Carry Without a Permit as Long as They Have a Valid Kindergarten ID Card
"Armed children are our future."

BISMARCK, ND--The state legislature of North Dakota today signed into a law a Conceal Carry bill that would allow children to carry a firearm as long as they possessed a valid kindergarten ID card.

Gov. Doug Bourbon, eating lunch at his favorite bar, Armed and Hungry, downed a jigger of whiskey before explaining to a reporter from the Bismarck Tribune, "Guns don't kill people. Kids who aren't trained in the proper use of firearms kill people. With this new bill, we will not only arm the youngest and most vulnerable among us, but make sure these children are well trained in the event that another black man ever runs for president again and threatens to disarm us, like Imam Obama did in 2004 and 2008. This time North Dakota will be ready!"

Then Robin Seward, the reporter from the Bismarck Tribune, asked, "But aren't you concerned about a roomful of children, some of whom are armed?"

The Governor burped, took a bite out of his barbecued ribs, and answered, laughing, "Oh, hell no Robin. These kids will be well trained in firearm use by certified instructors from the NRA and Smith and Wesson. In fact, if anyone tried to pull off another Sandy Hook incident here in the Peace Garden State, he's going to meet with armed resistance this time."

Later that day, Wayne LaPierre, gun lobbyist and executive vice president of the NRA, announced his support of the legislation, explaining, "Armed children are our future."

LaPierre then broke out, in his best Whitney Houston voice,

I believe armed children are our future
Teach them how to shoot and let them lead the way
Show them what armor they possess inside
Give them a Smith and Wesson handgun to make it easier
To kill those motherfuckers when they enter their school.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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