Obama Designates Wide Swathe Of Hillary's Cleavage As National Monument

Funny story written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 9 January 2017

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National Monument

BILLINGSGATE POST: President Obama designated another controversial area as a national monument today. Last week the lame duck president irritated Utah and Nevada residents by declaring millions of acres off limits to mining and other public usage.

On commenting on this designation of the largely unseen and unused area of Hillary Clinton's cleavage as a national monument, White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, told reporters, "Today's action will help protect this cultural legacy and will ensure that future generations are able to enjoy and appreciate this scenic and historic landscape."

Just imagine the postcard picture of the Allegheny and the Monongahela rivers coming together to form the Ohio River in Pittsburgh, Pa. This idyllic scene, the confluence of the two rivers to form the Ohio and its iconic analogy to Hillary's cleavage, cannot be measured in human terms.

A little background that should serve to establish the author's intellectual bona fides: As most readers are aware, Dr. B has achieved the distinction of scoring twelve doctorates from La Fontaine College, which is located on Grand Cayman Island. Although not affiliated with the Ivy League, it is sometimes called the "Harvard of the Caribbean." A small college with impeccable credentials, it is noteworthy that no student from La Fontaine has ever been elected president or expelled for using a restroom designated for the opposite sex.

Particular to this story, the good doctor has chosen to use his doctorates in Taxidermy and Animal Husbandry to make his point. However, in the interests of time management and dissonance reduction, he will not explain how he will do so.

NOTE: The City of Pittsburgh would not allow the president to designate a large part of its downtown area as a national monument because it includes Heinz Field, home of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Out of respect for Theresa Heinz and her spouse, Secretary of State, John Kerry, and former Steeler quarterback, Terry Bradshaw, President Obama designated Hillary Clinton's cleavage instead.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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