San Francisco City Hall - San Francisco Mayor Turdwin Spree announced to a small assemblage of reporters this afternoon that the sound of crunching poop underfoot on the sidewalks of the city are soon to be a thing of the past.
As he was speaking, one of the reporters from the New York Times could hold her's in no longer, and it hit the sidewalk with a soft "thwap", there being no public toilets available in the seven by seven mile area.
The Mayor noticed this as he continued speaking:
"You see that? You see that nice lady who just did that? It's not her fault. There really is no place to poop in this city unless you live here, and who can afford THAT? It's not just the homeless who poop on the streets. Everyone does it. Heck, I just did it an hour ago.
"But starting in 2017, it will be a thing of the past. We are installing pay toilets at every street corner. That's four per intersection. These are no primitive toilets.
"These toilets are connected to the internet of things. The IOT, for those in the business. Not only will cameras observe every detail of your toilet manners, but remote bathroom monitors, located in India, will only open the door to let you out once you have:
- Cleaned the toilet with a brush and cleaned any mess.
- Flushed such that it ALL goes down the drain.
- Paid the ten dollar fee with Bitcoin
- Put the toilet seat down and sanitized it with the provided aspartame spray. And it will check your butt to make sure it is wiped well.
"If any of these steps are not performed, the door will not open and the police will come and export the entire unit to Arizona, where Sherriff Joe will deal with the person.
"The best thing is the revenue will pay for the costs to break even after 60 years."
Update:
Due to a delay in the public potty project, pubic pimple perfidity perplexes public prognosticators.
Prognosticators now predict Google Earth will soon make it possible to see the poop piles from space. NASA is already reporting spotting the poo from it's satellites. And everyone knows that Google Maps has added a poop dimension to its mapping software so those that wish to take the poop tour can.
There is also a setting to avoid poop, but it often leads to no route found.
Morning traffic reports now report on poop pile ups so drivers can avoid skidding through skid row.
Street sweeper trucks have been fitted with giant rolls of Charmin which has caused problems with the homeless squeezing it and pinching it.
But the worst are the pubic pimples resulting from the butt rashes spreading like wildfire.
The "creeping crud" has decimated the population. Tourists are even returning home with pubic pimples, those that survive.
Obama has declared San Francisco a disaster area and has plans to install Obama Wipe dispensers around the city. However Trump tweeted: sick.
BREAKING NEWS
The atmospheric river has caused all the poop on the streets of San Francisco to turn into a sticky stinking mess. Many people have slipped and fallen. Non-skid shoes are advised.
