Rats Overrun Trump Tower

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Thursday, 29 December 2016

image for Rats Overrun Trump Tower
This rat actually had a lease for the apartment he was in at Trump Tower, but was later kicked out for violating the TOS.

Mirroring the Trump presidency, the population of rats at Trump Tower has exploded in recent weeks after the unusually warm weather this winter.

One tenant spoke to this reporter anonymously as she feared retaliation from Donald Trump and his army of trolls.

"Me and the other tenants have been telling management about the problem since the fall and they ignored it till now we have a nightmare on our hands--it's like that rat temple in India, it's unbelievable!"

While president elect Trump has not been part of the day to day operations at Trump Tower, he still took time to tweet a rebuttal of the charges at 3am.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Biased media is trying to make a huge deal of this, they didn't report on the rats in the Clinton Foundation.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
Our exterminator has already been called and we're going to poison the shit out of those rats!

There's only one hitch with Trump's plan to poison the rats, at least according to forty year veteran exterminator Max Fuse (not his real name, which he declined to give), the rats in the neighborhood of Trump Tower are part of a population of poison resistant rats that have also been seen in other parts of the world, including the problem rats at Trump's golf course in Scotland.

"I and other exterminators have seen the rising poison tolerance of several rat populations in Manhattan and the DNA tests have confirmed a new breed that's almost completely poison resistant and it's multiplying rapidly." Fuse continued, "So while Trump Tower may be addressing the issue of the rats, the rats there are probably mostly immune to any poison."

Other Manhattan property owners have hired Ben and Kisma's Extermination, a popular if not unorthodox service that uses a team of Bangladeshis and fifty or so trained mongoose to catch and kill rats.

Fuse hailed Ben and Kisma's for their innovative approach to rodent control.

"You know these guys [Ben and Kisma's] do an amazing job, they have to keep coming back though, but you are always going to need someone like me or them because the rats keep evolving--even getting smarter--so no matter what, they will always be back."

After Trump Tower residents demanded Ben and Kisma's be hired to fix the rat problem, Donald Trump agreed, though Ben and Kisma's is booked until February. Trump tweeted (again after midnight) to defend his right to override a Muslim ban so Ben and Kisma's can come in to exterminate after a President Trump takes office and presumably enacts a ban on Muslims.

Donald J. Trump ‏@realDonaldTrump
I'm going to personally override my Muslim ban for the exterminators because Bangladesh is probably a Muslimy country.

Ralph Nader and the Sierra club are hoping to halt any more work or business permits for Ben and Kisma's to use the trained mongooses in the US.

"Bringing in these mongeese," Nader explained, "you are trading one invasive species for another potentially worse invasive species."

Indeed, neighborhoods in London that have had the Ben and Kisma's treatment have fewer rats, but are now left with a remnant population of Bangladeshi shopkeepers who speak little to no English.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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