Diembolden and Walentrenched to Help America Vote (Or Not)

Written by plinth course

Sunday, 10 December 2006

image for Diembolden and Walentrenched to Help America Vote (Or Not)
Actual voting will soon be superfluous to requirements

Ohio and (South of Oz) Arkansas -- The Big Vote company Diembolden has announced that it will partner with the Big Box operator Walentrenched to "improve" voting.

Spokesperson William "Will" Steelencheet of Diembolden (slogan: Let freedom rain) held a press conference to present the main features of the new venture. He had no choice: someone had leaked it.

Called VoteSmackDown, the offspring of the corporate mind-meld is, Steelencheet posits, "designed to positively identify those who CAN be lost to the voting rolls."

Asked by the pen-poised press to explain the big idea, Steelencheet instead tossed out press packets, entitled, Working Class Votes for US, to the panting crowd. He thought a long minute before answering.

Collectively, members of the press tilted their heads in anticipation, like dogs waiting for the "good treats" to appear from Steelencheet's pocket. The dress of the day was blue suit/red collar, including the women. Fair warning had been given: the dress code would be strictly enforced.

"I prefer to let the thing speak for itself," said Steelencheet. Finally. "It's a natural for both companies to combine their efforts to form a mutually beneficial cooperative for the betterment of voting, as well as shopping, in this great nation."

No one wrote that down. But one journalist from TheBoondoggler asked for a clarification: "Well, OK, but why did they get together?"

The rest of the pack became alert, not to say "on guard."

Steelencheet tried simply to refer them to the PR packet (and the "cool DVD"). But the group, apparently sensing that something was up, came to life now, firing a barrage of follow-up questions.

Looking trapped, Steelencheet added: "It is a known known, is it not, that a certain class of people regularly shops at Walentrenched. Further, it is a known known that the retailer collects data on their buying habits?"

Here, he paused to see if the journalists were tracking the same scent. Seeing no light of recognition, he went on: "We, of course, 'do' your voting data, 'we' being the movers and shakers..."


"Well, if we can profile certain kinds of persons by their shopping data, a certain class of people that shops at a certain kind of store, we can help them vote correctly."

Heads cocked, the corps waited -- good treats, any minute now. TheBoondoggler reporter broke from the pack again: "Who, exactly, are the 'certain people' you're referring to? I mean, isn't it people on a tight budget? How's that going to help them vote?"

Steelencheet became visibly irritated: "You people don't shop at Walentrenched, do you?" he asked.

All heads bobbed like he was waving that treat around. "DAYam, then you're ALL Democrats!" He quickly whispered a 'note to self' into his micro-recorder.

The corps, as if on cue, crossed their paws, um hands, over their notepads. Not a pen moved. They stared at him as if he'd shouted, "Stay!"

The good treats (and their votes) were now cast.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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