Written by Captain Loogie

Monday, 4 July 2005

image for Ready Steady Cook vote controversy.
Harriot, seen here drizzling cooking oil.

Ainsley Harriot accused of Vote rigging in Ready-Steady-Cook vote controversy.

CLAPHAM, London--There was shock amongst locals yesterday as police carried out a dawn raid on the home of celebrity chef and host of the popular day time television series 'Ready-Steady-Cook' Ainsley Harriot.

Harriot's elderly neighbour and acquaintance, who asked to remain anonymous, had this to say about his arrest, "He always seems so nice on the telly, I watch him every year on Comic Relief.." She appears to have confused Harriot with Birmingham comedian, Lenny Henry.

At a press conference held latter in the day police Superintendent Cherrath Melon revealed that Harriot was being held on suspicion of fixing the result of a recent Ready-Steady-Cook vote.

For those reader unfamiliar with the programme, two teams comprising each of one celebrity chef and one member of the public must compete to create a dish from their chosen ingredients with a 30 minute time limit. At the end of the show, the in studio audience must vote (by holding a card above their head representing either the Red Tomato or Green Pepper team) on which dish they prefer.

The incident in question occurred on the 20th of June, this year. The Red Tomato team (chef James Tanner and guest Tim Pearson) had prepared a strawberry shortcake followed by a pan-fried mackerel with tomato and cumin sauce. The Green Pepper team (chef Nick Nairn and guest 'Fruity' James) presented Hobnob Stacks followed by Curried lamb chop.

Filming was running smoothly until it came to the audience's vote. Sources indicate that the vote was a clear win for the Green Peppers yet Harriot awarded the victory to the "Reeeeeeeed Tomatoes!"

"I don't think any of us could believe it," traumatised audience member, Leroy Worton, quoted yesterday. "From where I was sitting it looked like Green Peppers outnumbered Red Tomatoes by as much as three to one!"

There has been much speculation as to why Harriot would throw the result in this way. Some suggest that he had made a deal to receive a cut of the winning team's prize (although weather this would be the vegetable themed clock or Ready-Steady-Cook mug is unclear). Others have suggested that it is the result of a personal vendetta against Green Pepper chef, Nick Nairn. Jealousy may have been aroused by the success of Nairn's own, 'Planet Cook'.

When questioned on the matter, a government spokes person had gave this statement. "Of course we take the issue of Ready-Steady-Cook vote rigging very seriously. It is simply unacceptable that in this sort of thing can happen in a modern democracy and steps will be taken in the future to ensure this can never happen again, the government would like to announce that a public enquiry headed by Lord Jimmé-Downunder will be promptly launched."

As for Harriot's sentence (if found guilty) some have suggested that the crime of which he stands accused constitutes High Treason, in which case the maximum penalty is hanging, however, experts have indicated life imprisonment is more likely.

Harriot will be defended by Thomas Mesereau, "I thought he was Lenny Henry." Says the famous defence lawyer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Vote

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