Toddlers Sprung from Shopping Carts; Havoc Ensues

Funny story written by Gail Farrelly

Saturday, 12 August 2006

image for Toddlers Sprung from Shopping Carts; Havoc Ensues

The American Academy of Pediatrics has recently warned parents about the dangers involved in putting children in shopping carts, citing the statistic that shopping carts were involved in injuries to more than 24,000 children last year. As a result, SafetyShop, a supermarket located in a suburb of New York City, decided to try an experiment, setting up and enforcing a rule that kids are NOT allowed in shopping carts. Here's what happened on the first day of the experiment:

1. Sally the Skipper, 2, merrily skipping down the frozen foods aisle, skipped right into the sharp corner of an ice cream display. Result: three stitches in the forehead.

2. Larry Leashfree, 2 1/2, struggling to release himself from a "shopping leash" fashioned by his amateur-inventor father, almost strangled himself to death as his dad yakked to a pal in the paper goods aisle. Larry was treated for neck contusions at the local emergency room.

3. Danny the Drooler, 1, did his "thing" on the floor of the fruit and produce section of the store as his mom took her time searching for the freshest produce for her family. She got the produce all right but what Nancy Notsosteady, 81, got was a sprained wrist when she slipped in Danny's drool.

4. Harry Helpful, 2 1/2, "re-arranged" the jars of mayonnaise and mustard as his nanny shopped for condiments. In the midst of his "work," a jar of mayonnaise mysteriously slipped to the floor and broke. Harry cried as a stock boy cleaned up the mess. The stock boy was the one who should have been crying, as he received three minor cuts in the clean-up process.

5. Freddy Ferocious, 2, was practicing karate chops in the cereal section of the supermarket when one of his chops connected to the bottom row of a huge display, sending hundreds of boxes of cereal cascading to the floor. Buried in the cereal rubble was Charlie Cautious, 78. Though not physically injured, Charlie has now sued the supermarket for emotional distress, complaining to a friend, "That toddler's a terrorist. Tiny and homegrown, but still a terrorist."

The experiment lasted only one day. SafetyShop is once again allowing kids in shopping carts. Management has posted the following notice: "Please remember the old English proverb: 'You must not expect old heads upon young shoulders.' Customers who place children in shopping carts are responsible for the safety of those children." Amen.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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