University of Perception Management releases new studies on Election Trash and State of the Onion

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Sunday, 16 October 2016

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UMP studies indicate state of the onion deteriorating

The University of Perception Management has just released results of a massive study on "the state of smoke and trash" in the 2016 election.

UPM originated in 2003 when the Bush administration demonized and invaded Iraq via claims of non-existent WMD ("weapons of mass destruction").

A large plaque at the university's entrance honors Britain's Sir Richard Dearlove and his revelation at that time that "The facts were being fixed around the policy."

This pithy assessment of how to run foreign policy has become central to UPM's perception and distortion studies.

Headed by Dr. Brian Raymouth, the university's Department of Chronic Zerothink Revelations (CZR) investigates "misleading distortion" in presidential elections.

Professor Raymouth commented: "Both candidates are blowing smoke to cover up issues affecting their eligibility, and affecting the State of the Onion."

He added: "We use the term onion affectionately for State of the Union, as to whether it's round, solid, appealing--or ready for the compost pile and should be replaced."

For example, Mr. Trump is currently covering up his grab-and-go-for-it! woman problem with "the election is rigged" accusation.

But election processes across the nation are so discrete and complex no single force could unite the whole thing to cause "rigging."

Election processes cannot be compared to the Democratic National Convention which was controlled by a central, dedicated membership.

The election cannot be "rigged" or "fixed" by Hillary Clinton or the Russians, and thinking like this shows "chronic zerothink" or over-simplification.

Over-simplification is also known as "knee-jerk brainwash" and "automatic assumption without evidence" (also known as AW or "ass-wipe" in informal UMP circles).

The same AW phenomenon is being deployed via assaults on Russia as "hacking the election" by the Clinton campaign.

Clinton's problem involves distracting public opinion from DNC manipulations to prevent Bernie Sanders from winning the nomination.

Also problematic are revelations of Ms. Clinton's private deals with the banking industry and pay-for-play favors via The Clinton Foundation.

These problems have led to a non-stop barrage of attacks on Russia and Putin, with strong percentages of Americans vulnerable to "loaded assertions dripping with venom."

According to surveys by CZR (affectionately pronounced "seizure" by CZR department faculty), the following assertions need to be grounded in evidence versus mere talking points:

"We strongly believe that . . ."

"There is no doubt that . . ."

"This kind of hacking behavior is consistent with, and looks very much like what we know Russia is capable of . . ."

"These efforts to undermine the legitimacy of our election processes must be answered by our own attacks on Russia in turn . . ."

"What does your Russian-hating gut tell you . . ."

C&Z Associates point out that no proof of Russia as behind the wikileaks exposures, or as politically connected to Trump, has been forthcoming.

The State of the Onion, according to Professor Raymouth, is moldy and discolored, too sharp on the nostrils, and stings the eyes. It should be replaced immediately.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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