Researchers find little difference between Bologna and Hotdogs

Written by thomas o'hanlon

Sunday, 7 August 2016

image for Researchers find little difference between Bologna and Hotdogs

A government funded study analyzing the nature of the hot dog and bologna has revealed that they are close cousins, "almost siblings, really" said Dr. Janice Manice, head of Columbia university's dept. of cold cuts and condiments which spearheaded the massive research. "In tracing the history of both food products" she continued "we were not surprised to see that they both originate in the same town, the same factory actually, in Germany at different times.

We went with Dr. Manice to Wienerburg Germany, a rural alcove in the black forest which time seemed to have forgotten as evidenced by the lack of clocks and visited the very first Bologna factory dating back over 500 years ago. Hans Van Bologna, owner and operator of Bologna Inc. greeted us each with a full un sliced sausage. "Well, the secret is finally out' he said with a smile "let us tour the facilities while I explain"

"Everybody loves a nice Bologna sandwich on white with mustard" he continued as we surveyed a large dump truck offloading its payload of unrecognizable animal parts into a boiling vat. "everybody that is except the dam Ottomans"

He went on to explain to our surprise that in 1812 the Ottomans invaded and gained control of the black forest and held it for seven years. During this time, Grand Sultan Omar banned the delicacy sighting "nothing on this earth should taste so good" but the citizens of Weinerberg would not have it so they convinced Mr. Bologna's ancestors to continue production but in a different form and a different name. That is when a cousin, Hans Von Hotdog, stepped to the plate. "this" said Van Bologna pointing to a door we approached "was a secret entrance at one time to the Hot dog factory. We entered and found the exact replica of the factory we just left "and this" he continues "is my cousin Hans Van Hotdog" who greeted us each with an uncooked hotdog.

"Congratulations to you both for uncovering our family secret, it is about time although what is time? We don't know here in the Black forest as evidenced by the lack of clocks"

There was so much more to learn and our hosts were eager to teach until Dr. Manice in a horrendous faux pas asked at lunch time if she forgo the Bologna/hotdog lunch "I would prefer" she innocently asked "a nice Virginia ham on rye with tomatoe and mayo"

We were abruptly showed the exit and sent back on our way sans our gift Bologna and hotdogs. "Well" said a teary eyed Dr. Manice on arrival back in the states "there goes my chair of the prestigious Columbia Cold cuts and condiments department"

"Don't be silly, Dr. Manice" I replied "That department doesn't exist, nor do you. It's all fictitious parts of this ridiculous story"

Dr. Manice cheered up and smiled and disappeared but before she did she gave me a glance that told me that I would someday in the near future see her again.

Suddenly she re-appeared "I forgot my bags" she said as she gathered them and once again disappeared.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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