New Study: Texting While Driving Makes You Live Longer

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Sunday, 21 February 2016

image for New Study: Texting While Driving Makes You Live Longer
OMG! New research shows that if you want to live longer you should start texting and driving.

In a surprising conclusion, scientists in a Gator Ridge, Florida behavioral research center, have determined that drivers who text on the road actually live three to five years longer than people who don't.

Lead researcher Verna Joachim released the groups findings from a research study concluded three years ago. Speaking by phone she said, "It was so surprising that the TWD [Texting While Driving] group lived longer, we wanted to be sure, that's why it took years before releasing anything."

After years of peer review and data analysis, Joachim's team was finally ready to publicize their findings. "No matter how we compared them," she said, "the texting while driving group always came out on top in terms of longevity, even with the higher accident rate and crippling injuries you would expect."

It's not what you text, or the length of your text while driving that makes you live longer. The researchers discovered just texting "k", "OMFG" or "WTH" is enough to confer the health benefits of TWD.

Joachim and her team can only speculate till more research is done, "We think, perhaps it's the personalities involved: if you don't sweat texting and driving you are probably going to blow off a lot of other stressful things in life, like consideration for other people. That tendency towards less stress overall, we think, is what makes the TWD subjects live longer."

Pointing to numerous studies by herself and others that show moderate drinkers live longer, Joachim wondered, "Maybe someday soon, the ultimate long life elixir will be a Pinot Grigio and some texting while driving?" LOL!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more