Monica For President Campaign Gathers Momentum

Written by JennyNorthStar

Thursday, 4 August 2016


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ONLY IN AMERICA - The last few weeks have been tumultuous times for the two U.S. presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump - to say the least. Both the Republican and Democratic Conventions were mired in controversy and featured an array of speakers launching vicious hate attacks at their opposing candidates. The Republican Convention featured Ted Cruz, Trump's presidential primary opponent, being booed off stage when he didn't endorse Donald Trump. Not to be out done, the Democratic Convention, before it even started, offered the firing of its chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz after the Wikileaks DNC email release, which showed bias to Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders during the primaries.

The heated campaign rhetoric grew to a fever pitch this week. The Hillary camp, in so many words, called Trump a womanizing, philandering, racist bigot, Ruski rooting, Muslim maligning, baby beater. Trump countered with Hillary is crooked, lying, conniving, deceitful, corrupt, and sent from Hell. That's just what they said in public. God only knows what they say behind closed doors.

It's not surprising that most recent U.S. polls show nearly 60% of Americans have an unfavorable view of both candidates. Nearly half of Americans say they can't be trusted. Each candidate has more haters than supporters. If either one of these candidates wins in November, it has been said Americans will get the "booby" prize. Trump may already have a leg up on this one - with the nude photos of Melina Trump on two New York Post's covers showing her naked breasts.

Needless to say, the stage has been set for Americans desperate to find a viable third-party presidential alternative. It has been rumored that the little known Monica For President campaign has been slow to get started, but now has been revitalized.

For anyone who doesn't know who Monica is, they probably aren't old enough to vote or have been living on another planet. The details of the scandal are well known. A White House intern having sexual relations with then U.S. President Bill Clinton in the oval office. The lengthy and sexually graphic report from independent prosecutor Ken Starr. Clinton's own video testimony with the salacious cigar story. The blue dress with the president's DNA on it. The president's impeachment, and Bill Clinton's famous line, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

Not much has been written about Monica for the last 20 years since she left the limelight or low-light, as some have called it. However, in the last two years, Monica has reemerged into the public spotlight of her own choosing. She penned a major article for Vanity Fair magazine in June 2014 and was interviewed for a March 19, 2015, New York Times story entitled: "Monica Lewinsky Is Back, but This Time It's on Her Terms". Some have speculated this was the beginning of her run for the White House in 2016 - maybe her one last chance to finally stick it to Clintons, instead of the other way around.

Previously, it has been reported after the scandal, that Lewinsky knitted, made handbags, and was a pitchwoman for Jenny Craig, a well-known weight loss program. The New York Times says: "She has had a hard time finding employment." "Instead, she meditates, does therapy, hangs out with friends and volunteers." Although not stellar accomplishments or credentials for being president, unlike her other two presidential opponents, at least she voluntarily sought mental health treatment.

A inside source, close to the Monica For President campaign, said: "The campaign has been reenergized and gathering steam after the recent political mudslinging and American's utter distaste for the other two primary candidates." He added: "In comparison, Monica doesn't sound so bad after all". He also surmised: "With Monica's new campaign she will reemerge into the hearts and minds of Americans once again and she can easily beat Hillary." In bolstering his claim he offer the following.

Top Ten Reasons why Monica would make a better president than Hillary.

10. Experience: She has already logged more certified cockpit time behind the oval office desk that any other woman in U.S. history!

9. Knowledge: Intimately familiar with the hard part of a sitting president.

8. Tenacity: Knows how to handle a big load under fire.

7. Illumination: She answers Bill Clinton's inexplicable question what "is" is.

6. Perseverance: Sucks it up when things get hard.

5. Fair Trade: She will open the front door to Cuban cigars.

4. Dress For Success: Isn't afraid of wearing something other than a pant suit or making a mess in a dress.

3. Equal Opportunity Employment: Female White House interns won't be hired just because they look like Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie McDonald or Helen Thomas.

2. Sexual Discrimination: Saves the nation from the humiliation of seeing a once virile man relegated to the position of house husband.

1. Laureate: Finally a person in the White House who actually is the "Piece" prize.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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