Family of High School Senior Ready to Decide Her Future

Written by Christian Casale

Thursday, 30 June 2016

The family of local high school senior Sophia Carmichael is bewildered by the stress and anxiety the young woman faces while trying to make a decision about her future.

"I really just don't understand what all the trouble is," says Jenny Carmichael, Sophia's mother. "A job in finance is really the way to go in today's economy. I arranged several internship interviews but our little Sophia can't seem to make up her mind."

Sophia finished high school with a 3.9 GPA and impressed several art schools with her work volunteering at a local recreation center, teaching autistic children how to express themselves through painting. This is why her father believes she would make an excellent doctor.

"She is obviously great at helping people, why not be well off doing it? I told my little girl [Sophia] that all this 'digital designer' crap isn't going get her any money. That's why I didn't let her apply to any of those bullshit art schools where the students sit on beanbag chairs and get high," Says the patriarch Carmichael. "If I'm spending money on my sweetheart [Sophia] to go to college, it'll be somewhere worthwhile. And somewhere close by, so I can keep an eye on her. Trust me; I know what's best for my little angel [Sophia].

Carmichael has repeatedly skipped college visits set up by her parents, and has often deleted the emails they send her about what they think she should be doing after she graduates in May.
"She's going to be a Marine!" her grandfather shouts unsolicited.

"I was a Marine. My father was a Marine. Her father was a Marine. Just because my boy wasn't man enough to pump out a son doesn't mean little Stephanie [Sophia] will break our family's tradition!" he yells before sitting down out of exhaustion.

Sophia received a letter of recommendation from the head of her school's art department to a prestigious design school in New York City, but ended up rescinding her application when her family convinced her that the big city was no place for a girl like her.

"Why doesn't she just find a man?" her great-aunt Georgina asks me. "A woman's place is at home with the children, anyway."

Sophia Carmichael was unavailable for comment, as her family informed me she has recently been spending long stretches of time alone in her room.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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