Written by T. Loaf

Monday, 15 February 2016

Now that senior citizens are running - or rather, pushing - for the White House with force, architects are preparing the President's Office for the possible arrival of septuagenarians in November. Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are not just long in the tooth, but old and infirm, and adjustments will be required in the Oval Office - and elsewhere - should one of the near and over seventy-plus-year-olds be elected in November this year.

"We admire their courage and will-power", explained a Washington Care Administrator for the Elderly, "and we want to make them feel as comfortable as possible when presiding. Bulky furniture will be removed or placed to the sides of rooms to enable swift progression of Zimmer frames throughout the building."

Ornamental handrails - donated by the Cincinnati Association for Fossil Beings - will be mounted to all walls where steps lead outside. Inside the building stair-lifts are to be installed and the speed in elevators reduced, special consideration being given here to Donald Trump and his hair-piece when coming down, and to Bernie Sanders who suffers from 'permanent wheezy tummy'.

New wallpaper is to be hung in the Oval Office, and the desk removed, to ensure Hillary Clinton is not permanently reminded of spousal indiscretion. A hammock chair is to be suspended from the ceiling, in which she can relax and dictate reports, snooze and chill out while listening to briefings.

Staff will be trained in the use of defibrillators, which will be available in all rooms, and have been ordered to speak slower, but louder, since Sanders and Clinton are both known to be hard of hearing. Fortunately, Trump doesn't listen to anyone anyway.

Kitchen personnel are preparing a wide range of soups and 'easy to nibble' dishes. Beakers will be fitted with straws to avoid any embrassing dribbling. "It'll be a real challenge", said a White House spokeswoman, "I've been told all three are also incontinent. If you watch closely when they hold a speech, you can see them smile when they pause...and breathe out in relief. A sure sign. But, OK, I know all about that from my grandparents, although they'd never in a million years dream of standing for President. Some folk just can't get enough, right?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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