Pollsters Determine Average American is a Moron

Written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 4 December 2006

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Average Americans

Phineas Garfield, president of Garfield Interactive Polls, has admitted that over thirty years of asking Americans questions has brought him to the conclusion that they are mostly morons. Garfield bases this on the answers that are given to him by most of the people polled for opinions.

As an example, following the flap over the the lack of underwear on Britney Spears, Garfield asked the American public for their thoughts on the issue. When asked "Do you think Spears should wear underwear" the majority responded no.

Garfield report that there were, however, some interesting and bizarre responses given to the questions.

Garfield surveyed over 5,000 people in malls, on the phone, and in business districts. The questions could be answered in one of two ways, either yes or no. However, here is an analysis of the answers they were given:


No 48%
Yes 38%
Yellow (or another color) 3%
8 (or any other number) 2%
Mouse (or any other animal) 2%
I dunno (or similar, stupid responses) 1.5%
Wal-Mart (or other retail outlets) 1.5%
Wool (or other fabrics) 1%
Grunts or other unintelligible sounds 1%
Why? (or other questions) 1%
All other responses 1%

Garfield says the question was simply if she should wear something. They deduce that since they never asked what kind of panties she should wear, where she should buy them, or anything like that, that fourteen percent of the people obviously did not understand the question.

On questions about things that really matter in the world (you know, stuff besides whether or not a skank should go around bare butt), Garfield report that the responses are even worse.

When asked "Which political party will you be supporting in the mid-term elections", the responses were as follows:


Party? Where's the party? 25%
Do I need to bring anything? 21%
Does it cost anything to get in? 17%
Will they have free beer? 16%
They got strippers? 16%
Where did you get that clipboard? 3%
Democrat 1.1%
Republican 0.9%

Garfield are quite dismayed by the outcome of these polls. A spokesman for Garfield said, "See what I mean? This trend is utterly shocking. We're letting these people pick our leaders yet they don't even have the most basic understanding of politics!"

When asked for another example that might not be as drastic and might put American stupidity in a better light, Garfield offered the following question results.


Which country do you think should host the 2114 Winter Olympics?
December (or another month) 19%
The Dallas Cowboys (or any other professional sports team) 14%
Britney Spears (or any other celebrity) 12%
Hawaii (or any other American state) 11%
Paris (or any other European city) 8%
The Indian Ocean (or any other large body of water) 6%
Burger King (or any other large restaurant chain) 5%
ABC (or other television network) 5%
Hersheys (or any other candy bar or food item) 5%
The 1980 U.S. Men?s Hockey Team (or any movie about this team) 4%
Michelle Kwan (or any other former athlete) 3%
Elvis Presley (or other dead performer) 2%
Downhill Skiing (or other event) 2%
Them little bobsled thingies for one person 2%
The United States (or any other actual country) 2%

Because of these results, The Spoof commissioned Mr. Garfield to conduct a poll on whether or not Americans felt that they were stupid, moronic, drooling idiots. The results were as follows:


Ronald Reagan (or other dead president) 15%
I'm a born again Christian 14%
How about them Cowboys! 13%
It's them Democrats/Republicans fault 12%
Do I get free HBO with that? (or other question) 11%
They got llamas down at the zoo now 11%
Apple butter (or other food condiment) 7%
Souix Falls, South Dakota (or other American city) 6%
My dog Skippy (or other pet) 4%
Yes 1%
No 1%
Have you still got any pictures of Britney without her panties? 6%

The polls have spoken!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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