Jails have been forced to install stairlifts to cope with rocketing numbers of pensioner prisoners since the Tories came to power it has been announced. At least 8,987 over 65's were arrested in 2013 up 34 per cent on 2009. Prison chiefs have also had to introduce handrails and larger TV's with subtitles to cope, while providing lags with hearing aids.
Serial re-offender, Dick Trickle, 78, takes up the story: "Mate, let me learn yer, before these Tory boys came to power me an me mates was fucking struggling to meet the cost of paying rent, council tax, heating and food under that Labour mob. Most of me mates have lost their old woman years ago; mine went under a 19 bus during the winter of 99' she put up a bloody struggle mind, but that's another story.
I was suffering all sorts of medical problems prior to the last election in 2010, rickets, boils piles, and head lice, prostate and fucking erectile dysfunction. That ruined me love life wiv Doris at number 10 and Muriel across the road I can tell yer, the old threesomes went right out the bleedin' window once the tallywacker gave out mate!"
Dick continued: "Luckily for me them Tory boys got in during 2000 like and I soon saw the writing on the wall when they started cutting everyfink to the bone and fiddling all the figures and 'toughening up on crime' like.
One day me old mate, Rodney, 89, nicked a sausages roll from Tesco cause he were bleedin' starving and got collared by some security geezer from Poland. The beak slung him inside for three months like and he ain't never looked back. After he told me about all the cushy perks the oldies was getting I decided to have a go meself, talk about a piece of piss, walked into Nationwide one day and exposed meself at the counter, result, three months in the nick for flashing."
"Well, I kid you not my son I got a full MOT health check, nice new clobber, me own cell wiv 50 inch plasma TV, central heating, three square meals a day and weekly visits from a podiatrist. Lovely girl, Svetlana I fink her name is, anyway one day she's on her knee's doing me dogs like and I says to her, 'while yer down there luv'……well let's put it his way, she 'cured' my ED in no time, nudge nudge!"
"Meanwhile, me and me mates are doing our bit for the Police really cause while they bang us up for sweet FA it makes the crime figures look good on paper and keep Dave well in with his supporters and it don't tax the coppers too much neither. They ain't gotta' risk life and limb or being sued by murdering scroat's, rapists, paedophiles and assorted villains cause we oldies just let 'em take us away, no fuss no bother sweet like.
This is me fourth time inside and I'm due out next week again, so once I get home and clear the backlog of mail and tidy up I'll be nipping over to service Doris and Muriel. Afterwards I'll be letting it all hang out again in Waitrose, aisle six, and within a week or two I'll be back here ready for the Christmas Panto, I hear it's starring Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall a few other celebs this year, should be a good one. Gotta dash I can hear the tea trolly coming!"