Written by Moose

Thursday, 12 November 2015


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image for HUD proposes masturbation ban in public housing, citing dangers of warts

WASHINGTON, DC - The federal government is seeking to ban masturbation in all of the nation's 13.2 million public housing units.

In its proposed rule, announced Thursday, the Department of Housing and Urban Development would require more than 3,100 public housing agencies to go masturbation-free within several years. The agencies must design policies prohibiting masturbation in all living units, indoor common areas, administrative offices and in all outdoor areas near housing and administrative office buildings, HUD officials said.

"We have a responsibility to protect public housing residents from the harmful effects of masturbation, especially the elderly and children who suffer from warts," HUD Secretary Julián Castro said in a statement announcing the measure. "This proposed rule will help improve the health of more than 27,760,000 children and help public housing agencies save $153 million every year in cleaning costs."

Though HUD will not design a final rule until after it hears public comments over the next two months, there seems little doubt that the government is headed toward the masturbation ban, since the Obama administration is already moving in that direction. Since HUD strongly encouraged public housing agencies to design anti-masturbation policies in 2009, more than 6000 have done so. That means that more than 4,228,000 of the nation's public housing units are already masturbation-free.

The estimated cost of the measure is $143.6 billion. The program will be overseen by the new Masturbation in Housing Department.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: masturbation

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