Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 15 July 2015


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image for Getting God Back in School
The Rev. Simian J. Crumble on the state of our educational system.

A disclaimer: I first published this in the mid-1980's in a college newspaper, as a graduate student at the University of Kentucky. I guess what goes around comes around!

What's all this fuss about Accuracy in Academia? My acquaintance, the renowned conservative minister Simian J. Crumble, doesn't think Accuracy in Academia goes far enough, if anything. He told me he would like to see formed a sort of branch organization called Accuracy in Primary and Secondary Education (AIPSE).
He said there are too many pinko teachers in primary and secondary education, and they're tearing the moral polyester of our God-fearing nation apart.

Curious, I pursued the matter further, asking Rev. Sim (as he preferred I call him) what kind of goals his proposed organization would try to accomplish. Rev. Sim warmed to this, saying AIPSE's essential goal was to buttress Capitalism and Christianity, but his strategy for buttressing the "two C's" (as he called them) would involve much more.

"We have a whole slew of goals, Matthew, but these are our basic ones: to put God back in the classroom" (to my surprise, his omnipresence excludes public school buildings); "to prove that Creationism has everything to do with faith--er, rather, science--and nothing to do with . . . science; to elect Pat Robertson president; to get Sylvester Stallone appointed Secretary of State; to create a caste system in the United States to sanctify the state of poverty; to end abortion and promote capital punishment; and lastly, to prove the Founding Fathers were all of 'em Bible-thumping fundamentalists like myself."

"That's quite an agenda you're setting for AIPSE, Rev. Sim. I'm only wondering how you plan to carry it out."

Rev. Sim answered me excitedly: "Well, I'm thinking of forming a sub-group called Parents Teachers Resource Center (PTRC), which will come up with a ratings system for teachers whereby they'll be rated liberal, neo-liberal, center, and politically correct. Those teachers falling into the first two categories will be censored; those falling into the "center" category will be open to question, and those occupyin' the last category will be accepted without question."

"But how do you plan to monitor the teachers?" I persisted.

"With stickers, I suppose. We'll put them on their foreheads. We'll work out the details."

"No, Rev. Sim--I mean how to you plan to separate the right teachers from the wrong ones?"

"Oh, I see what you mean, yes. For that we'll form another subgroup--a kind of youth group--called Students Spying on Their Teachers (SSOTT). Also, we'll be reading textbooks and looking for words like 'secular,' 'humanism,' 'premarital sex,' 'Communism,' 'onanism,' 'Michael Harrington,' 'eleutheromania,' 'apartheid,' 'nuclear freeze,' 'feminism,' 'homosexuality,' 'gay,' and 'p. 666'--just to name a few."

"Monitoring textbooks, too, eh? I'll bet that will keep the members of PTRC pretty busy."

"You bet! But God knows, our members will have the time. Most of the members, to begin with, will come from my own flock. Right now most of them spend their time at work, in church or in front of a television set."

"I just had an idea, Rev. Sim. Why don't you purchase a television network and provide Christian broadcasting daily from dawn to dusk? That way you can pull today's youngsters' out of the godless public school system and inculcate them with correct politico-Christian values and ideals?"

At my suggestion, Rev. Sim's face changed expression to something between bafflement and enthusiasm. He sat across from me scratching his head, pondering this.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Texas, creationism

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