Texas School Officials Sentence Autistic Child with Tourette's Syndrome to Life in Detention After He Mangled the Pledge of Allegiance

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 27 February 2015

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Stephenville, TX-Ten year old Ronnie Rae Simmons, who suffers from Asperger's, Tourette's Syndrome, and Dyslexia, may well spend the rest of his life in detention, if school officials at Audie Murphy Elementary have anything to say about it. The eleven year old, who suffers from Asperger's along with the comorbid conditions of Dyslexia and Tourette's Syndrome, apparently, according to his sixth grade teacher and the students surrounding him, mangled the Pledge of Allegiance last Monday when he said, "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United Tits of America, and to the Refuckit, for which it stands, one nation, under Dog, with Liberty and Justice for Ma."

School officials say Ronnie Rae, at the time he mangled the Pledge of Allegiance, was of sound mind, which, according to Texas law, makes him culpable for his actions at the time of the crime. In fact, his sixth grade teacher, Ms. Sherri Rae Nimitz, asked him after the incident if he knew what he had just said, and Ronnie Rae replied, "Yeah. I fucked it up."

The community of Stephenville, where the crime occurred, is relieved to have seen justice served to the eleven year old. Julie Rae McGill, the mother of the one of the victims traumatized by Ronnie Rae, said, "We've waited two days for God to get justice for us on behalf of our daughter and, as always, God has proved to be faithful. We're so thrilled that we have the verdict that we have tonight. God is merciful."

Texas, like a number of states, adheres to the M'Naugten Rule, which essentially maintains that a person afflicted with a mental disability who commits a crime while suffering from that disability and later concludes, "Yeah. I know I fucked up," is guilty of the crime.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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