NSA Requests Americans Limit Length of All Calls And Text Messages

Funny story written by Meredith McGhin

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

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In a recent press release, NSA Director Michael S. Rogers requested that all Americans abide by the agency's proposed limits for all phone calls and text messages.

The guidelines set forth by the NSA include, among other things, a maximum length of fifteen minutes for all "non-essential" phone calls, and a limit of ten words per text message.

"I think the National Security Agency is being more than reasonable with this proposal," Rogers stated. "Most Americans don't realize how time consuming it is for us to monitor every single word they say or type to eachother. They outnumber our agents two hundred to one!"

In addition to limiting the length of all wireless communications, the agency's proposal also asked that any threats and or plots discussed by "domestic terrorists" take place at the beginning of their conversations so as not to waste the monitoring agents' time.

This latest incident only adds to the growing outrage of American citizens towards the NSA, whose domestic surveillance tactics only recently came to light due to the efforts of whistleblowers such as Edward Snowden and Julian Assange.

Perhaps this is why the agency felt it necessary to include in their "request" a list of possible penalties for not following the proposed word/minute count. These range anywhere from written warnings and fines to jailtime. The fine print at the end even went so far as to recommend requiring repeat offenders to screen the text messages of American teenagers as punishment.

"Anyone who has ever had a text conversation with a fourteen year old girl knows exactly how tedious this can be," said Rogers. "We're not trying to bully the American people. We are hoping they will see that we are trying to do our job as efficiently as possible. Which is to save American lives! From Americans."

Cellular customers across the country can expect a written copy of these NSA guidelines with their next statement.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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