Strange Crop Circle of Richard M. Nixon Found on White House Lawn

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Thursday, 6 November 2014

image for Strange Crop Circle of Richard M. Nixon Found on White House Lawn

A large crop circle miraculously appeared on the front lawn of the White House overnight Wednesday, Nov. 5, leaving the Washington 'good and great' shaking their heads in disbelief.

"I swear, it's a stunning caricature of the head of Richard M. Nixon," said John Boehner, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Somehow, someway, the crop circle happened to portray the gleaming brilliance of Nixon's pearly white incisors with stunning facsimile.

'It's my old buddy Dick," said John McCain, "I've been wondering where he's been hiding himself."

The 78-year-old senior U.S. Senator from Arizona wiped a tear-of-joy from his eye. He shook his head, looking to be in awe of the large expanse of Richard M. Nixon's head on the lawn - the caricature covered the better part of three acres of the finely manicured grass.

"I knew you'd show up here eventually. Ah, Dick, you are a tricky one, you old codger! You're just in time for coffee and toast, old buddy! Hey, how's about some yogurt? You can have the vanilla. I like the peach," McCain cautiously said to the grass.

Standing in front of the U.S. Senate complex, McCain got so animated that he began jumping around. "My gosh darned, you've been gone for so long. Dick! Dick! How in the mother-fried dickens are ya'?!"

Fifteen second go by, no answer from the crop circle.

"You still owe me five dollars from the skins match we had on the golf course, so pay up, chump. You were the worst golfer ever! You're the only President who ever triple-bogied a par three. Even Garfield and McKinley wouldn't do that. And I know, 'cause I played a few rounds with both of them, just like I did with you!!!" McCain continued yelling at the crop circle, laughing in delusional fits. A few of his Senate peers started looking at him strangely.

"Settle down, John, it's not really Nixon. It's just not. It's a picture made by some strange rangers who touched down here in a UFO last night sometime," Boehner said, patting McCain on the shoulder.

"Yes it is, It's him. It's Dick!" McCain cried.

"John, John, settle down. It's not Nixon. It's not, believe me, it's not him. It's some strange pattern left by either an extreme radical group that sneaked out on the front lawn in the wee hours of the morning, using plywood boards to scrunch down the grass, or it was done by some kind of new aircraft the Air Force is experimenting with - believe me, John, It's not Nixon," Boehner said.

"I never liked those eagles. I was a Navy man. I come from a long line of Navy men. Go Navy, beat Air Force!" McCain yelled.

Just about then, FOX News showed up to investigate. Even Bill O'Reilly was on hand, and O'Reilly had a microphone pointing at the large mouth of Nixon, as it appeared on the crop circle.

"President Nixon, it's pretty obvious that you chose a fine day to visit the White House, sir, the day after your fellow Republicans wreaked havoc in the American voting booths and now, many of those scoundrels will be cleaning out their desks and leaving town come January. Yes, all those Demopublicans will be heading for the hills, thank heavens."

The crop circle said absolutely nothing.

So O'Reilly pointed the microphone at the mouth, placing the microphone only two inches from the top of the grass, for the better part of a minute. - And still, the crop circle said absolutely nothing. - Feeling very uneasy by then, because there was no response, O'Reilly gave a stupid smirk to the camera and unloosened his tie a bit, looking like he'd just seen the ghost of Richard M. Nixon being chased across the lawn by the ghost of Paul Revere riding a ghost horse.

"President Nixon, how do you feel about the Party of Lincoln taking control of the Senate yesterday?" - a 20-second pause - "Millhouse, again, sir, how do you feel about the Republican sweep on Tuesday? - a ten-second pause - "Hey Nixon, are you deaf? Say something! Throw me a bone! Say anything!!!" O'Reilly yelled.

"Bill, Bill, that's not really Nixon, it's a crop circle! Probably left by those wise guys in the Air Force trying out that new supersonic thingamajig they've been finagling with in Area 51! It's not Nixon, Bill!!!" Boehner yelled from across the lawn, near the House complex.

Meantime, President Barack Obama, who managed a fitful sleep Tuesday night, following the Nov. 4 elections, looked out his bedroom window at the White House, shaking his head.

"What's that big picture of Nixon doing out there? What the heck?!"

Michelle Obama jumped out of bed and stared out the window. She couldn't believe the size of the head-and-shoulder, crop-circle caricature.

"It's him, all right. Old Tricky Dick. Like bad news on a bad news day. Yes, Barack, it's Nixon, all right," Mrs. Obama said.

"I can't believe he'd show up on such a horrible morning as this. The Senate's sunk. All those Repugs. Oh, I can't stand it. That Nixon. He had to get his revenge, didn't he?" Barack Obama said.

Out in the middle of the crop circle, O'Reilly was by then jumping around and screaming, "Say something, Nixon! Say something! You got me out of bed this morning for this! Will you say something?! Anything, Nixon, anything! Say something, dammit! Say something!"

John McCain, walking across the lawn by this time with a spry quick step, was yelling at O'Reilly, "You stop that jumping around and you stop it now! You're hurting Dick's teeth! Walter Cronkite, you get on out of here! I don't want you to knock out one of those beautiful white teeth! Skedaddle, Cronkite! Shoo! Shoo! You pinko liberal! You Communist! Get on out! Git! Git!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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