21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Saturday, 28 May 2011

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Children of The Revolution: A Skull, Yesterday

Last night's edition of 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent was definitely the best yet.

Judges Pol Pot, Richard Nixon and Bono were simply knocked out by the array of talent on show at the Stevenage Unspecified Meat Products Abbatoir.

Presenters David Frost and Henry Kissinger, too, were agog at the spectacle.

It's hard to know where to begin describing the fun. Perhaps the best place is with the Saloth Sar Khmer Rouge Dance Troupe who wowed the Unspecified Meat Products Abbatoir audience with their mix of traditional British Morris Dancing and Cambodian Folk Dance using fishing baskets. The climax - which had Henry Kissinger goggling! - saw them go through a medley of routines documenting the rise of the Khmer Rouge in the 1970s. They wheeled around a pile of skulls, leapt over the corpses of starved peasants and finished their stunning act by herding onto the stage a group of intellectuals and bludgeoning them to death with American-sourced agricultural tools.

Pol Pot was ecstatic. "I judge you go far. You work for entertainment revolution big style. I say yes!" he said, after claiming that he had no knowledge of the events depicted in the crescendo of the act, but that he would be speaking to his friends in the business, The Laughing Ceausescus, about contracts.

Father Eamonn White-Sepulchre, the Clerical Tool of The State, provided food for thought, as he uttered platitudes from the Book of Common Hypocrises while, behind his back, Nazi Stormtroopers kicked to death a family of Jews and a group of disabled Gypsy children and Jehova's Witnesses, and a Priest molested an altar boy. The audience were clearly moved, and there were boos when Bono said "I can't see a market for that kind of unrealistic schtick: it's too extreme for the Queen to watch. I was hoping you were gonna sing Rocky Road To Dublin or Carrickfergus or somethin'."

There was an incredible reaction to Billie N Dollar, a housewife who was desperate to get to the petrol station and fill up her Porsche 4 X 4 for her and her partner's trip to the airport so they could fly to the Seychelles for Whit Weekend, but was frustrated by the fact that the baby needed changing. How the audience whooped when Billie decided to get rid of the infantile obstacle by dropping Napalm B onto the cot and destroying the errant, useless object. The finale, when Billie joined an anti-Blair and Bush Peace March to ease her conscience, had everyone in tears, and Frost and Kissinger pulling every face from the Ant & Dec Method Moronic Mugging Manual.

Richard Nixon was sweating profusely, but he was quick to appropriate Bille for his stable. "You've got what it takes", he told the delighted housewife. "Now get that burned baby outa here before the hippies start a riot."

The Gadget Family were another dance act that went down well. They were all plugged into i-pods, i-pads, i-players, Google, X-Boxes and PS3s, and they each went round in ever-decreasing circles and wove a path around each other without ever making contact. The end of the dance, where they each used GPS navigation to find their way to the toilet and then their bedrooms, was particularly spectacular. Finally, they all died of emotional starvation and ego implosion.

Bono was particularly taken with the Gadgets, and spoke of them doing a slot on the next U2 World Ego Tour, which will be sponsored by China and Microsoft and BP. "Egos are so huge now", he gushed. "But we're making the ego green. This is the Green Ego Tour."

Frost and Kissinger were grinning at the cameras like Louis Armstrong at this point.

And as if all this weren't quite enough, we still had time for The Cyber Twins, two teenagers wired to a laptop who were dead inside and had lost the use of their legs.

And then there was a man called Adam 'China' Clay, who dressed in a Union Jack Stars and Stripes Made In China suit and performed 6000 somersaults to mark the destruction of that number of Tibetan Monastries during the Chinese Cultural Revolution under Mao.

Adam Clay then proceeded to perform a pirouette for every person killed during the Revolution. Because the final figure for these deaths is not known - it is believed that it could be as high as 20 million - the harsh fact of the matter is that Adam 'China' Clay is still doing his pirouettes.

Yes, last night's edition of 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent is still going on! Who knows when Adam 'China' Clay will stop pirouetting? Who knows what he might do next, if he does stop pirouetting? There are an awful lot of Cultural Revolution Atrocities to play with!

In fact, last night's 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent is no longer last night's 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent! It's today's 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent now and will be for the foreeable future!

But there we will have to leave Adam 'China' Clay pirouetting, and Henry Kissinger and David Frost pulling faces and talking rubbish in the face of atrocity. We have things to do!

Last night's edition of 21st Century Schizoid Britain's Got Talent was definitely the best yet. Correction, IS the best yet!

That's if the scale of the atrocity and the corruption of the human spirit is anything to go by.

And we think it just might be.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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